Thoughtless

I thought I was going to miss this month's deadline. It's a self-imposed deadline, but aren't those supposed to be the ones you MUST keep? Cause, you know, no one sets deadlines for trivial crap. If you've set a deadline for something, it must be something serious. And if you miss even one... well, your 'something' is pretty much never going to get done.

But, I digress.

So, that niggling feeling that I won't get anything up in May was not because I'd remembered too late and didn't have enough time. It was not even because I was too lazy/busy to write. In fact, I'd begun this particular post in the beginning of May. But for some reason, I wasn't able to think of anything to write about.

And that made me realize the very important role that thoughts played in my writing. Quite a relief, this.
Because, lately, I've been coming across too many 'writers' who give more importance to words than thoughts. Who write for the sake of being a 'writer'.

This breed uses complicated words to show off their vocabulary, not to express something. They use word play to show their mastery over linguistics, not to add another dimension. Their words are perfectly put together, but they don't mean anything.

Just to clarify, I am not saying that words are unimportant. Not at all. What I'm saying that words strung together without thought are shallow and pointless.

Why pointless? Because words are meant to communicate. And without thoughts, what are you communicating really?

Politics: Why I don't have an opinion

So, the elections are coming up. And suddenly everyone wants to know my PoV about all things political. And all this questioning made me realize, that I don't have an opinion. (This does not mean that I won't/don't want to vote. It simply means that I do not have an opinion.)

It's surprising, really, because I usually have opinions about everything, quite strong ones at that. So it got me thinking. WHY don't I have an opinion about politics?

Is it because politics is boring? Au contraire, I actually think I'd find it quite entertaining. Enlightening, even (not sarcastic, here).

Is it because I lack interest? Nope. That couldn't be it either. Because I always make it a point to be interested in matters that can affect my life. And, however tangentially, I know that politics certainly can.

So what is it, then, that keeps me from having an opinion? Very simply put, it is the lack of facts and figures I can trust.

When it comes to politics, everything is obscure. All I have is a whole lot of 'he said, she said'. And I find it ridiculously hard to form an opinion based on others' opinions (and yes, they are opinions till they can be proven beyond a shadow of doubt). Who do I believe? What part of what they claim do I believe?

In the world of politics, everything can be (and often is) fabricated. Even 'achievements'. He has accomplished so and so, it's there for everyone to see. Sure, but have people actually gone and verified this? Are those people trustworthy? And even if the answer to both these questions is a yes, there is still the matter of how much should have been achieved vs how much actually has been achieved (you know, how much was allocated to the project and how much towards 'personal' benefit).

Despite all the 'sting' operations, and (sometimes) really good reporting, we are just not privy to 'inside details'. We might never be. Nothing is transparent, nothing is 'out there'. Hence, my opinion cannot be an 'informed' one, where I am armed with the truth of the matter. Neither can it be 'instinctive' or 'experiential', like it often is for things I can experience, like music or movies.

An opinion that is based on any factors other than these, I believe, is half-baked. And that can be quite dangerous. Especially in waters as murky as this. I'd rather not have an opinion till my vision is clear.

#OverReact

I have a tendency to overreact. I have been told this repeatedly, by a whole bunch of people. And I admit, I do make 'mountains out of molehills', so to speak, more often than necessary. I blow things out of proportion, then work myself into a frenzy over it.

Most of the times, the things I overreact to, turn out to be non-issues. But in that state of mind, I imagine the worst possible outcomes/connotations. Then, I proceed to drive myself (and everyone around me) crazy, till the issue is resolved. But at least this meant that things got resolved. And so, I always let myself believe that my 'overreaction' was a good thing.

But what I didn't realize was the fact that I've been 'overreacting' to people as well. I've been happily creating 'best friends' and 'archenemies' on the basis of connections that didn't exist anywhere but in my head.

Because that's what you do when you overreact. You obsess. You overthink. That's how things get amplified. And you begin to see signs (positive and negative). But it's all in your head (And by your, I mean mine).

So yeah, apparently, my habit of overreacting has this side-effect of (possibly) completely fabricated social equations. Such an eye-opener, this. No wonder my 'best friends' are barely even my friends anymore. And people I thought were out to get me, turned out to be quite alright.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here. And it's not a very comforting one.

Must. Stop. Overreacting.

The Fear of Mediocrity

You know, a lot of people are held back by the fear of failure. I guess at some point of time, I might have been, too. But the fear that plagues me now, at this stage of my life, is a different one. And maybe in many ways, this one is much worse.

I'm just going to come out and say it. I'm afraid of being ordinary.

Yeah, yeah. I've heard the hype. About how being ordinary is 'ok'. But it really is not.

It's bloody scary.

It's scary to think that you're going to be stuck in a rut. Doing average things. Averagely.

It's much scarier than, say, attempting something awesome and failing at it. Cause even if you fail, you can move on to other awesome things. And you grow. And you learn.

But when you're stuck with the ordinary, there is always that chance that you succumb to mediocrity. To the 'things-are-getting-done-so-why-bother' school of thought. Once you do, you're done.

So that's scenario one. Where you get sucked in and brain-washed. Scenario two is worse. It's where your bubble goes *pop* and you land on your mediocre ass, painfully. Aware that you're forever doomed to just be, not excel.

Failure I can deal with. Because with failure, there's a chance at redemption, a chance to grow. With failure, you can still believe you can do better.

But mediocrity doesn't allow that. Mediocrity simply limits. Then it stifles. And suffocates. Till the spirit is all but gone.

Mediocrity is a disability. Something you have to fight to overcome everyday, for the rest of your life. And even if you manage to do that, there's no guarantee of your being extraordinary.

Many would argue that people who do overcome their disabilities are extraordinary for simply having done that. And yes, that is probably true.

But then, it would mean that my faith in myself was misplaced. That I have, all this while, been (to put it politely) delusional.

Knowing that would break me. Totally and irreparably. 

So yeah, I'd take failure over mediocrity any day. Unfortunately, though, mediocrity isn't really a choice.

So I'll have to wait. And watch. And keep my fingers crossed. And pray to the powers that be, that I don’t turn out to be ordinary.

Nemesism

I sat down to write today, after quite a while. Naturally, my first instinct was to open my blog...this blog. One look at it, and I am stunned by my sloth.

Not one piece of writing for an entire YEAR! Did I not have a single free hour in 365 days?! Bloody unbelievable. And utterly shameful. How can I call myself a writer when I cannot be bothered to take out even a couple of hours to sit and write something that is not 'required' of me?

My excuse so far has been 'My words run dry, I use them up at work everyday'. And then I complain about how I'm not getting anywhere. How can I expect to excel when I cannot muster the drive to write a single measly blog piece?!

It's like that joke about the guy who keeps complaining that he doesn't win the lottery...when he hasn't even bought himself a single lottery ticket in his lifetime. Except, this is not a goddamn joke! It is my life. And I'm making a mockery of it.

All these years, to get through the drudgery that my life has been, I've been telling myself that I'm meant for great things.That I'm capable of inspiring awe, if only I was given that one chance. And I probably could. But I won't know I can, till I do.

And till I do, my belief in myself amounts to nothing but absolute BS.

If I continue this way, I let everything I've made myself around, be reduced to a pile of crap. 

So, this has to end. Now.

No more excuses. No more whining. No more EXTERNALIZING.

I need to channel that rage, and direct it at myself...for making excuses, for talking big and backing it up with jackshit. I recently even came across the perfect word for that feeling. (Words have a funny way of showing up when I need them, apparently.)

That word is Nemesism. It means "frustration, anger, or aggression directed inward, toward oneself and one's way of living." And this is precisely what I need right now.

Yeah, I know. Doesn't sound very healthy. But I have a reason.

You see, if I am pissed, I'm not complacent. And when I'm not complacent, I will get shit done.

So, for now, I shall let this Nemesism fuel me. And hopefully, this fuel will light a fire. Because sometimes you need to burn things down, to build them back up. Bigger, better and stronger.

Trying!...

i've been thinking (yes...i do that at times... :p).....or more accurately, i've been forced to think....by an annoying (but well meaning....and supremely adorable) individual....bout a certain aspect of my life that i have so far blissfully managed to suppress, repress and wrestle into a deep, dark abyss....the dreaded 'C' word.....*faux scary music here*....CAREER....AAARGH!....

i mean its not like i've never thought bout it...but i've never given it thought...and yes...there IS a difference...so anyway...words like career, corporate etc. have flitted through my mind...but i don think i've ever sat down and tried to chart out a plan....i mean i did....but that was AEONS ago...and anyway...those plans got totally screwed up...so now i'm headed in a totally different direction...

Admittedly...i'm not in a field i completely loathe...but i am stuck in a rut...in terms of the type of work....and the people....oh god, the people!... :O

Maybe i've been really unlucky...or i'm overreacting...because even though i've always believed in a state of existence where if you did wot you were supposed to do then you're pretty much left alone...i've always known that there was bound to be crap (i'm not that much of an idealist!)... but SO much of it?....and SO many varied versions?!...

Let me elaborate (without getting into specifics!).... 

Firstly, there's the 'Authority Figure'...who thinks he/she is the all-knowing god/goddess of awesome-ness...complete with the (pseudo)'intellectual' demeanor and an oily coat of 'trendy-ness'...*shivers*....it isn't just astounding...it's disheartening...that not only do people with such little substance have such large delusions of grandeur...but also that they are in a position of power (either because they come from money or they're REALLY good at sucking up)...it kinda makes one lose faith in talent, knowledge and the merit of doing actual work...and it doesn't end with incompetency...which can be, to an extent, dealt with...it escalates to objectification and the lack of respect..."i pay you, so i own you"...that kinda mentality gets one nowhere...it kills respect...it kills any kind of drive and proactive-ness...n it breeds resentment...

Then you have the office 'Game-ers'...n no...and i don't mean those harmless souls who are skilled at dodging bullets/jumping over hazards/speeding through traffic/whatever it is that they do in an alternate realm of virtual reality...i'm talking bout those two-faced creeps who play very real, very under-handed 'games' at the workplace...n while most of them are really easy to identify...some of them...are tricky blighters...

i like to call them the 'Dents'....you know, like Harvey Dent...two-faced they are!...and with an impeccable veneer of 'nice-ness'...they trick you into believing they're on your side...earn your trust...make you feel like they're looking out for you....so you go outta your way to help 'em...stick your neck out fer them....and wen the time comes...*BAM*....before you know it...you're thrown under the bus...what a lovely thank you!...

i could go on and on about the diverse range of exasperating, frustrating army of characters the corporate world has to offer...like the 'Lollypops' who are good-for-nothing, sickly sweet suck ups...and the 'Holier-Than-Thou's, my name for super stuck up jackasses...or the earth-shatteringly slow 'Dumbelles'...and the annoying 'YouDo's who, like their name says, fob off all their work on u...

But i have to admit, there has been a teensy amount of good too (with a stress on 'teensy')...i mean i've met people who've absolutely personified patience (a quality that i desperately need to acquire) in the face of complete BS...people who've burnt the proverbial 'midnight oil' with a passion that i can only dream about...people who've shown incredible restraint in insanely crappy situations...and people who've been kind enough to sift through the clutter to find some semblance of merit in me (which i am very grateful for!)...

It mite sound like a lot of good people right there...but you have to understand that i'm not referring to different individuals in relation to different characteristics in the previous para...i'm talking bout just one or maybe two people who, at various points of time, have shown slivers of those qualities...slivers, mind you, not even the whole deal...

anyway...what i've realized is this...despite all my raving and ranting...and proactive measures (fuelled by self-preservation, though they might be)...nothing is going to change...and unless i learn to accept it...i'm going to turn into an (even more) bitter individual...and end up wasting my life being unhappy...and penniless...and maybe friendless as well (cause who likes whiny, bitter people, right?)...

so i'm trying...trying not to let these trying people try my peace of mind...can't say i'm successful yet...but like i said...i'm trying...

the fine line between love and hate.....

Have you ever had something you love turn into something you despise because of sheer repetition?....i mean people say that when they love something...when they're really passionate bout something....they could do it forever....

FOREVER?!...that's a long bloody time...and i don think i can ever do one thing forever and love it....and let me clarify....i'm talking bout jobs here...something you do for a livelihood...when i'm forced to do something ...when something becomes an obligation/responsibility (like a job!)...i instantly develop a dislike (or at least a healthy distaste) for it...even if it is something that i've loved doing all my life...

So i don't understand...have i not found my passion yet...or am i just built to hate work?....

Allow me to elaborate...reading has always been something i've loved doing....but the second a book becomes part of 'work'...you know...like a part of my syllabus or something ..reading the book (which i would've probably loved under different circumstances) becomes a drag...similarly...i love to write....and normally...words just flow...but when i'm forced to do it....as a part of my job...suddenly its all like 'whoa! roadblock!'...i need to literally wring my brain dry to come up with even the basic-est of lines!.....*AAAAARGH*....


Which is why my blog is updated so intermittently....cause keeping a blog up-to-date is sorta, well, like a job!...and one that doesn't really pay at that (materialistically i mean)!...so after an initial burst of activity...my enthusiasm wears off....and my poor li'l blog stagnates....yes, i know...stagnates is a harsh, strong word....but imma use it here...can't sugarcoat my online inactivity anymore...


*sigh*...i guess sometimes in life you need to force yourself to do things that you don't really want to...but the problem is...i don't wanna risk developing a distaste for the things i love to do...so does this mean that i should pick a career doing something that i dislike already and hope that i don't self-destruct?...or should i stick to doing something i love....and hope that the initial ennui/dislike/put negative emotion of your choice here, fades away....the question, though, is....WILL it fade?!!.....*sigh*....