What's next?

So I did what I planned to do last year. 1 blog post per month. Yay!

But now what? What next?

You do one thing. Great. But there's SO much more to do. ALWAYS!

It's tiring. Because no matter how much you do, there's always more to be done.

And it's scary. Because no matter how well you do it, there will always be new ways to make it better.

But, it can also be exciting. Because even if you know all about it now, there will be more to explore later.

And it can be encouraging. Because failure will not mean the end.

It all depends on how you see it.

So...what next?

X's Stupidity (or is it really?)

There is this person, let's call them 'X', who has managed to do no work for almost the entire time that they have worked at 'Y' place.

X comes to work, watches some mind-numbingly awful reality crap, makes excuses and goes right back home.

X knows nothing, shows zero initiative, zero growth and infinite proclivity to learn nothing.

When assigned a task, X's first response is to ask for help. And this 'help' translates into other people explaining every little thing to them (which ultimately ends with other people doing it themselves because it's easier than correcting the mess X is likely to make).

No one likes to work with X, because that means they will have to pull X's dead-weight around for the entire project. So, eventually, people end up working around X instead of working with X.

X's incompetency and utter lack of logical thought is the butt of office jokes. At times, X's decibel levels far exceeds their IQ level, giving people headaches.

But X is given no responsibility. Which means X is never criticized. It also means everyone else's workload is doubled. But that doesn't matter when management only cares that work is done, not about who does it.

Nevermind the fact that they are an absolute pain in the you-know-where, whom nobody respects, essentially, X gets paid for doing nothing. Sometimes, they're even given a pat on the back simply for staying out of the way.

So what do you call this person, who does absolutely nothing except create a nuisance of themselves?

A bumbling, inept, lazy idiot? Or a frickkin' genius?

I'm not really sure, to be honest.

The truth about the demise of reading

No one reads any more. NO ONE. But I've known that for a while now. And I've been slowly (albeit sorrowfully) coming to terms with it. So I'm not particularly surprised when people dismiss words or entirely skip reading something.

What shocks me though, is the reason behind this dismissive attitude.

I've always assumed that people don't have the time to read. Or that they're lazy. Both these reasons I've made peace with. I can even reconcile myself to the 'short attention span syndrome' (SASS) excuse.

Why? Because these reasons point towards the fact that people have the inclination to read, but lack a conducive setting to do so. These reasons hold hope.

But the fact of the matter is that it's not about time or distractions. This whole premise of 'inclination' that I had pinned my hopes on, it doesn't exist! Our world is on the brink of an 'all style, irrelevant substance' state of existence. People don't WANT to read. Mainly because they're losing the ability to understand the importance of words (and functionality).

This habit of spoon-feeding that we've gotten into, it's making the mind dull. People are slowly losing their ability to think and process things that are beyond the obvious. And since 'visuals' are the most obvious (and easy to process) form of perception, all that has begun to matter is what it looks like.

This means that we have stupid-ized people to a point where they can't look beyond what they see (pun intended). And that paints a very bleak picture for mankind.

Anaesthetize

It's time to cut

away that which grew to be cancerous.

Time to cut

deep, before the onset of the rancorous

thoughts; before you drive yourself

crazy with self doubt.

So anaesthetize,

to dull, to drown out

the pain, temporarily,
so you can weed
out every little soft spot.
Before it can bleed

and dry out,
to form sharp edges,
razor sharp,
putting in wedges

between you
and everyone around;
numb it down.
Anaesthetize to unbound.

The Positivity Trap: Reason vs Excuses

I am SO tired of people saying this - "If we're positive, then (some ridiculously lofty goal) will get done!"

Right. Sure. Because 'being positive' magically changes the laws of nature and allows you to bend the time & space continuum, so you can achieve the impossible.

Which means you can set absolutely unrealistic goals, be all 'woopie' about it, and *voila* it will be done!

HAVE PEOPLE COMPLETELY LOST THE PLOT?!

Whatever happened to good old logic? And assessment. What is making it so hard for people to have a good think about things and then coming to a conclusion, instead of just jumping the gun with an emphatic 'YES' before even grasping the intricacies of what they're setting out to do/create?

Because when you start with a 'no', or even a 'maybe', they hit you with -"And don't gimme excuses!"

Excuses? No. These are called reasons. There is a difference between the two.

Unlike excuses, reasons are actually backed by logic. Reasoning something out involves understanding, then overcoming. Excuses are a way to avoid things. Reasons are justifications for changing them and making them better.

But they can't see that because they're basking in the afterglow of their 'effervescent positivity'.

People seem to have completely forgotten that positivity, by itself, achieves nothing. It makes the task at hand bearable, is all.

And I'm all for doing something with a positive attitude. But if you're going to say 'yes' to things without listening to reason, you're never going to get anything done. Or worse, get something half-assed up and believe that you have created something extraordinary.

You HAVE to handle problems with the harsh gloves of cold, hard facts first. Only then must you put on the mask of positivity that adds a warm glow to what you're working on.

You HAVE to prepare yourself to say no to things that are unreasonable and learn to admit that some things are not doable.

If you can't, then all the best living in your bubble! Just pray that sharp edges don't come your way.

The 'Middle Path'

I have issues; Not issues (kids), issues (problems)! And they mostly revolve around control. There are times when I just cannot give control up. And that would've been manageable...if only there weren't times that I wanted none!

It's almost like I am two people who are polar opposites.

Now if you ask people around me, they would definitely say that the second me (the one who hates any semblance of control) doesn't exist. I am, after all, known to have major panic attacks when things aren't planned. But the thing they don't understand, is that the panic is the result of the two 'me's giving out conflicting signals.

It's a mess in my head, thanks to these two - one telling me to obsessively hold on to reins of control, the other telling me to let go and walk away. It's like tying together a wandering gypsy (is there any other kind?) and a control freak corporate professional with an unbreakable rope and sending them out into the world.

I'm being pulled in two directions ALL THE TIME!

I've become the middle point in a constant tug-of-war between two equally strong opponents. And because of this I'm living a ridiculously average life - where I'm not a kickass, super-comprehensive, structured plan creator, nor am I a free-falling, super chill, wild child (and I know I'd be awesome either way).

And it's not fear that holds me back. Cause if it was fear, it would've been easy. I would have a direction.

The problem is, unfortunately, that I have an inherent love for order AND chaos. And until (if ever) one wins over the other, I will be in this lost state...on a middle path to nowhere.

'Ante'social elements

I'm not a particularly social person. But I can be when I want to. (I believe the term for this personality type is 'ambivert'. I found this word, indirectly, through this article, which I think describes me quite perfectly.)

Lately, though, I haven't had particularly good (gross understatement!) experiences with people. And this spate of craptastic interactions was kinda pushing me towards not just introversion, but the 'I-hate-people-and-I-WILL-NOT-be-around-them' branch of anti-socialism.

Unfortunately, I discovered that Aristotle was right. And I am neither a god nor a beast to pull this 'anti-social' thing off. At least not if I want to get ahead in life (which I do).

So what I did, was I came up with this set of 'Ante'Social elements, that might prevent me from becoming 'Anti'Social.  Which means, I basically created for myself a 'pre-interaction checklist' of sorts, that would help me be social without letting things get sticky (and, in turn, upsetting).

How? Well, it all revolves around one basic fact that I have come to realize - People, when they associate with you, have agendas. Without exception. These agendas differ, of course. Some agendas are unselfish; some not so much; some are even mutually beneficial. And they keep changing. But they never go away.

The key is to successfully determine these agendas, and then align yours accordingly.

Sounds cynical? It is.

But it is an armour as well. One that protects your interests. And your sanity.

Of course I'm being selfish. I have to be. Cause everyone else is. The day that changes, so will I.

For now, however, I'll take selfish and happy over altruistic and miserable. Wouldn't you?

Borderline Narcissism: Why it's good for me (and maybe you!)

That is possibly the longest headline I've written for this blog. But then again, a long headline is better than a misleading one. 

Anyway, so I was talking to a friend the other day (telling him about this blog actually), when I realized that I like things to be about me. Not every time, but often enough to just barely qualify as a narcissist.

A couple of years ago, I'd have been appalled by the realization and done my best to try and be un-narcissistic. Because, you know, 'people' say it's not a good trait to have. And I'd have complied, cause I was such a sucker for general acceptance.

But not now. Now I think for myself. About myself. So I take better decisions. And that's the first good thing that my acquired semi-narcissism has done for me. It has helped me get rid of the 'what-will-people-say' syndrome to a great extent.

Now, I'm not saying that being full of yourself is good. Not at all. Cause I'm not talking about that sorta full-blown form of narcissism.

Notice that I've said 'borderline'. This category of narcissism is elective. And so, it is aware. It is a sort of mixture of 'focused awareness' and 'semi-selfishness'.

This narcissism is not inherent. It is the product of circumstance. Gone are the days when people put others before themselves. And when others stop, you have to stop too. Unless you're strong/meek enough (depends on how you see it) to be secondary to everyone, including yourself.

But I'm neither. So I choose to put myself first. Borderline narcissism.

It's made me a happier person really, because when I'm focused on myself, I'm not bothered by the insensitivity, the judgement, the hypocrisy that is all around me.

I'm not plagued by self-doubt all the time. And I'm not too hard on myself when I make tiny errors.

This borderline narcissism makes me want to keep getting better, so I don't get bested. And what makes me better can't be such a bad thing, can it?

Thoughtless

I thought I was going to miss this month's deadline. It's a self-imposed deadline, but aren't those supposed to be the ones you MUST keep? Cause, you know, no one sets deadlines for trivial crap. If you've set a deadline for something, it must be something serious. And if you miss even one... well, your 'something' is pretty much never going to get done.

But, I digress.

So, that niggling feeling that I won't get anything up in May was not because I'd remembered too late and didn't have enough time. It was not even because I was too lazy/busy to write. In fact, I'd begun this particular post in the beginning of May. But for some reason, I wasn't able to think of anything to write about.

And that made me realize the very important role that thoughts played in my writing. Quite a relief, this.
Because, lately, I've been coming across too many 'writers' who give more importance to words than thoughts. Who write for the sake of being a 'writer'.

This breed uses complicated words to show off their vocabulary, not to express something. They use word play to show their mastery over linguistics, not to add another dimension. Their words are perfectly put together, but they don't mean anything.

Just to clarify, I am not saying that words are unimportant. Not at all. What I'm saying that words strung together without thought are shallow and pointless.

Why pointless? Because words are meant to communicate. And without thoughts, what are you communicating really?

Politics: Why I don't have an opinion

So, the elections are coming up. And suddenly everyone wants to know my PoV about all things political. And all this questioning made me realize, that I don't have an opinion. (This does not mean that I won't/don't want to vote. It simply means that I do not have an opinion.)

It's surprising, really, because I usually have opinions about everything, quite strong ones at that. So it got me thinking. WHY don't I have an opinion about politics?

Is it because politics is boring? Au contraire, I actually think I'd find it quite entertaining. Enlightening, even (not sarcastic, here).

Is it because I lack interest? Nope. That couldn't be it either. Because I always make it a point to be interested in matters that can affect my life. And, however tangentially, I know that politics certainly can.

So what is it, then, that keeps me from having an opinion? Very simply put, it is the lack of facts and figures I can trust.

When it comes to politics, everything is obscure. All I have is a whole lot of 'he said, she said'. And I find it ridiculously hard to form an opinion based on others' opinions (and yes, they are opinions till they can be proven beyond a shadow of doubt). Who do I believe? What part of what they claim do I believe?

In the world of politics, everything can be (and often is) fabricated. Even 'achievements'. He has accomplished so and so, it's there for everyone to see. Sure, but have people actually gone and verified this? Are those people trustworthy? And even if the answer to both these questions is a yes, there is still the matter of how much should have been achieved vs how much actually has been achieved (you know, how much was allocated to the project and how much towards 'personal' benefit).

Despite all the 'sting' operations, and (sometimes) really good reporting, we are just not privy to 'inside details'. We might never be. Nothing is transparent, nothing is 'out there'. Hence, my opinion cannot be an 'informed' one, where I am armed with the truth of the matter. Neither can it be 'instinctive' or 'experiential', like it often is for things I can experience, like music or movies.

An opinion that is based on any factors other than these, I believe, is half-baked. And that can be quite dangerous. Especially in waters as murky as this. I'd rather not have an opinion till my vision is clear.

#OverReact

I have a tendency to overreact. I have been told this repeatedly, by a whole bunch of people. And I admit, I do make 'mountains out of molehills', so to speak, more often than necessary. I blow things out of proportion, then work myself into a frenzy over it.

Most of the times, the things I overreact to, turn out to be non-issues. But in that state of mind, I imagine the worst possible outcomes/connotations. Then, I proceed to drive myself (and everyone around me) crazy, till the issue is resolved. But at least this meant that things got resolved. And so, I always let myself believe that my 'overreaction' was a good thing.

But what I didn't realize was the fact that I've been 'overreacting' to people as well. I've been happily creating 'best friends' and 'archenemies' on the basis of connections that didn't exist anywhere but in my head.

Because that's what you do when you overreact. You obsess. You overthink. That's how things get amplified. And you begin to see signs (positive and negative). But it's all in your head (And by your, I mean mine).

So yeah, apparently, my habit of overreacting has this side-effect of (possibly) completely fabricated social equations. Such an eye-opener, this. No wonder my 'best friends' are barely even my friends anymore. And people I thought were out to get me, turned out to be quite alright.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here. And it's not a very comforting one.

Must. Stop. Overreacting.

The Fear of Mediocrity

You know, a lot of people are held back by the fear of failure. I guess at some point of time, I might have been, too. But the fear that plagues me now, at this stage of my life, is a different one. And maybe in many ways, this one is much worse.

I'm just going to come out and say it. I'm afraid of being ordinary.

Yeah, yeah. I've heard the hype. About how being ordinary is 'ok'. But it really is not.

It's bloody scary.

It's scary to think that you're going to be stuck in a rut. Doing average things. Averagely.

It's much scarier than, say, attempting something awesome and failing at it. Cause even if you fail, you can move on to other awesome things. And you grow. And you learn.

But when you're stuck with the ordinary, there is always that chance that you succumb to mediocrity. To the 'things-are-getting-done-so-why-bother' school of thought. Once you do, you're done.

So that's scenario one. Where you get sucked in and brain-washed. Scenario two is worse. It's where your bubble goes *pop* and you land on your mediocre ass, painfully. Aware that you're forever doomed to just be, not excel.

Failure I can deal with. Because with failure, there's a chance at redemption, a chance to grow. With failure, you can still believe you can do better.

But mediocrity doesn't allow that. Mediocrity simply limits. Then it stifles. And suffocates. Till the spirit is all but gone.

Mediocrity is a disability. Something you have to fight to overcome everyday, for the rest of your life. And even if you manage to do that, there's no guarantee of your being extraordinary.

Many would argue that people who do overcome their disabilities are extraordinary for simply having done that. And yes, that is probably true.

But then, it would mean that my faith in myself was misplaced. That I have, all this while, been (to put it politely) delusional.

Knowing that would break me. Totally and irreparably. 

So yeah, I'd take failure over mediocrity any day. Unfortunately, though, mediocrity isn't really a choice.

So I'll have to wait. And watch. And keep my fingers crossed. And pray to the powers that be, that I don’t turn out to be ordinary.

Nemesism

I sat down to write today, after quite a while. Naturally, my first instinct was to open my blog...this blog. One look at it, and I am stunned by my sloth.

Not one piece of writing for an entire YEAR! Did I not have a single free hour in 365 days?! Bloody unbelievable. And utterly shameful. How can I call myself a writer when I cannot be bothered to take out even a couple of hours to sit and write something that is not 'required' of me?

My excuse so far has been 'My words run dry, I use them up at work everyday'. And then I complain about how I'm not getting anywhere. How can I expect to excel when I cannot muster the drive to write a single measly blog piece?!

It's like that joke about the guy who keeps complaining that he doesn't win the lottery...when he hasn't even bought himself a single lottery ticket in his lifetime. Except, this is not a goddamn joke! It is my life. And I'm making a mockery of it.

All these years, to get through the drudgery that my life has been, I've been telling myself that I'm meant for great things.That I'm capable of inspiring awe, if only I was given that one chance. And I probably could. But I won't know I can, till I do.

And till I do, my belief in myself amounts to nothing but absolute BS.

If I continue this way, I let everything I've made myself around, be reduced to a pile of crap. 

So, this has to end. Now.

No more excuses. No more whining. No more EXTERNALIZING.

I need to channel that rage, and direct it at myself...for making excuses, for talking big and backing it up with jackshit. I recently even came across the perfect word for that feeling. (Words have a funny way of showing up when I need them, apparently.)

That word is Nemesism. It means "frustration, anger, or aggression directed inward, toward oneself and one's way of living." And this is precisely what I need right now.

Yeah, I know. Doesn't sound very healthy. But I have a reason.

You see, if I am pissed, I'm not complacent. And when I'm not complacent, I will get shit done.

So, for now, I shall let this Nemesism fuel me. And hopefully, this fuel will light a fire. Because sometimes you need to burn things down, to build them back up. Bigger, better and stronger.

Trying!...

i've been thinking (yes...i do that at times... :p).....or more accurately, i've been forced to think....by an annoying (but well meaning....and supremely adorable) individual....bout a certain aspect of my life that i have so far blissfully managed to suppress, repress and wrestle into a deep, dark abyss....the dreaded 'C' word.....*faux scary music here*....CAREER....AAARGH!....

i mean its not like i've never thought bout it...but i've never given it thought...and yes...there IS a difference...so anyway...words like career, corporate etc. have flitted through my mind...but i don think i've ever sat down and tried to chart out a plan....i mean i did....but that was AEONS ago...and anyway...those plans got totally screwed up...so now i'm headed in a totally different direction...

Admittedly...i'm not in a field i completely loathe...but i am stuck in a rut...in terms of the type of work....and the people....oh god, the people!... :O

Maybe i've been really unlucky...or i'm overreacting...because even though i've always believed in a state of existence where if you did wot you were supposed to do then you're pretty much left alone...i've always known that there was bound to be crap (i'm not that much of an idealist!)... but SO much of it?....and SO many varied versions?!...

Let me elaborate (without getting into specifics!).... 

Firstly, there's the 'Authority Figure'...who thinks he/she is the all-knowing god/goddess of awesome-ness...complete with the (pseudo)'intellectual' demeanor and an oily coat of 'trendy-ness'...*shivers*....it isn't just astounding...it's disheartening...that not only do people with such little substance have such large delusions of grandeur...but also that they are in a position of power (either because they come from money or they're REALLY good at sucking up)...it kinda makes one lose faith in talent, knowledge and the merit of doing actual work...and it doesn't end with incompetency...which can be, to an extent, dealt with...it escalates to objectification and the lack of respect..."i pay you, so i own you"...that kinda mentality gets one nowhere...it kills respect...it kills any kind of drive and proactive-ness...n it breeds resentment...

Then you have the office 'Game-ers'...n no...and i don't mean those harmless souls who are skilled at dodging bullets/jumping over hazards/speeding through traffic/whatever it is that they do in an alternate realm of virtual reality...i'm talking bout those two-faced creeps who play very real, very under-handed 'games' at the workplace...n while most of them are really easy to identify...some of them...are tricky blighters...

i like to call them the 'Dents'....you know, like Harvey Dent...two-faced they are!...and with an impeccable veneer of 'nice-ness'...they trick you into believing they're on your side...earn your trust...make you feel like they're looking out for you....so you go outta your way to help 'em...stick your neck out fer them....and wen the time comes...*BAM*....before you know it...you're thrown under the bus...what a lovely thank you!...

i could go on and on about the diverse range of exasperating, frustrating army of characters the corporate world has to offer...like the 'Lollypops' who are good-for-nothing, sickly sweet suck ups...and the 'Holier-Than-Thou's, my name for super stuck up jackasses...or the earth-shatteringly slow 'Dumbelles'...and the annoying 'YouDo's who, like their name says, fob off all their work on u...

But i have to admit, there has been a teensy amount of good too (with a stress on 'teensy')...i mean i've met people who've absolutely personified patience (a quality that i desperately need to acquire) in the face of complete BS...people who've burnt the proverbial 'midnight oil' with a passion that i can only dream about...people who've shown incredible restraint in insanely crappy situations...and people who've been kind enough to sift through the clutter to find some semblance of merit in me (which i am very grateful for!)...

It mite sound like a lot of good people right there...but you have to understand that i'm not referring to different individuals in relation to different characteristics in the previous para...i'm talking bout just one or maybe two people who, at various points of time, have shown slivers of those qualities...slivers, mind you, not even the whole deal...

anyway...what i've realized is this...despite all my raving and ranting...and proactive measures (fuelled by self-preservation, though they might be)...nothing is going to change...and unless i learn to accept it...i'm going to turn into an (even more) bitter individual...and end up wasting my life being unhappy...and penniless...and maybe friendless as well (cause who likes whiny, bitter people, right?)...

so i'm trying...trying not to let these trying people try my peace of mind...can't say i'm successful yet...but like i said...i'm trying...

the fine line between love and hate.....

Have you ever had something you love turn into something you despise because of sheer repetition?....i mean people say that when they love something...when they're really passionate bout something....they could do it forever....

FOREVER?!...that's a long bloody time...and i don think i can ever do one thing forever and love it....and let me clarify....i'm talking bout jobs here...something you do for a livelihood...when i'm forced to do something ...when something becomes an obligation/responsibility (like a job!)...i instantly develop a dislike (or at least a healthy distaste) for it...even if it is something that i've loved doing all my life...

So i don't understand...have i not found my passion yet...or am i just built to hate work?....

Allow me to elaborate...reading has always been something i've loved doing....but the second a book becomes part of 'work'...you know...like a part of my syllabus or something ..reading the book (which i would've probably loved under different circumstances) becomes a drag...similarly...i love to write....and normally...words just flow...but when i'm forced to do it....as a part of my job...suddenly its all like 'whoa! roadblock!'...i need to literally wring my brain dry to come up with even the basic-est of lines!.....*AAAAARGH*....


Which is why my blog is updated so intermittently....cause keeping a blog up-to-date is sorta, well, like a job!...and one that doesn't really pay at that (materialistically i mean)!...so after an initial burst of activity...my enthusiasm wears off....and my poor li'l blog stagnates....yes, i know...stagnates is a harsh, strong word....but imma use it here...can't sugarcoat my online inactivity anymore...


*sigh*...i guess sometimes in life you need to force yourself to do things that you don't really want to...but the problem is...i don't wanna risk developing a distaste for the things i love to do...so does this mean that i should pick a career doing something that i dislike already and hope that i don't self-destruct?...or should i stick to doing something i love....and hope that the initial ennui/dislike/put negative emotion of your choice here, fades away....the question, though, is....WILL it fade?!!.....*sigh*....

words....

Oh, Mario
Sit here by the window
Stay here 'til we reach Idaho
And when we go, hold my hand on take-off
Tell me what I already know
That we can't talk about it
No, we can't talk about it
Because nobody knows, that's how I nearly fell
Trading clothes and ringing Pavlov's Bell
History shows there's not a chance in hell
But, oh, Mario
We're only to Ohio
It's kinda getting harder to breathe
I won't let it show
I'm all about denial
But can't denial let me believe
And we could talk about it
But he can't talk about it
Because nobody knows, that's how I nearly fell
Trading clothes and ringing Pavlov's Bell
History shows but rarely shows it well
Well, well, well
Oh, Mario,
Why if this is nothing
I'm finding it's so hard to dismiss
If you're what I need
Then only you can save me
So come on baby give me the fix
And let's just talk about it
I've got to talk about it
Because nobody knows, that's how I nearly fell
Trading clothes and ringing Pavlov's Bell
History shows like it was show and tell
So tell me...
That's how I nearly fell...
By ringing Pavlov's bell...
So, baby, show and tell...
Oh, Mario, Mario

----

These lyrics are from the song 'Pavlov's Bell' by Aimee Mann.....Buffy soundtrack....brilliant show...brilliant singer....Aimee Mann has this really interesting voice....deep...with lovely hints of smoke...and, surprisingly, some high-ish tones that i'm generally not fond of....but it sounds good when she does it!

She's a guitarist and bassist...and often comes up with ambiguous/interpretative lyrics...this is one of her songs that i found especially interpretative....its capable of meaning different things to different people...it could be bout a drug addiction...or an eating disorder....some people interpret it as being bout a change in her outlook towards music and fan reactions....some people think its about relationships & the roles you play in them....my personal interpretation is that this song's bout 'taboo' feelings that people condition themselves to, umm, skirt around...an 'ignore-it-and-it'll-go-away' thought process...but not talking bout it rarely makes anything go away...it usually just makes things worse...

So anyway...all this got me thinking...bout perspectives....and 'schemas'....and how where you come from, what you've grown up with, affects how you think....i mean, the words are the same....but how they're interpreted depends on individual life experiences....

Which is why i love dealing with words.....words allow you to hide in plain sight...i can say something ..and it can mean what its supposed to mean only to me....and a select few....and this happens because words can be ambiguous....open to interpretation....you expect them to mean something ..but when taken outta one context and put into another, they could mean something else entirely....certain set of words are perceived as harsh...and other words, that essentially mean the same thing, can be gentle n soothing.....

And that is wot makes dealing with words complicated.....the interpretation part of it....you start out wanting to say something ...and it ends up getting misconstrued....no matter how plainly, simply & directly you put things...People have the freedom to perceive it as they see fit...

People can deliberately misinterpret....or...their perception can be unwittingly coloured by their life's experiences...the difference between the two is subtle....and when you do understand to tell which is which....that is when you can get some real communication going....or alternatively....understand that there's no scope to get through!

happy(?) new year....

So basically...i am just not gonna say when i'll rite next....cause *ha ha* i never stick to it.....you can call it laziness...or busy-ness....but honestly....i think it was just the lack of things to say....

Lemme rephrase that...its the lack of things with consequence to say....i mean, i just feel like i'm not accomplishing anything by writing or saying what's on my mind....who's listening anyway?.....but then i realized...that just cause i think no one's listening....doesn't mean that no one is actually listening...and even if that were the case...it shouldn't stop me from writing, no?

Now that i've sorted that out....lets get down to business....i think that i said i'd talk 'bout conditioning in my next blog...and i honestly did all the 'research work' that i wanted to...but by the time i was done with the 'research' i forgot the 'connect' bit of it....and by 'connect' i mean what originally got me thinking 'bout Pavlov's bell and conditioning....the 'germ' of an idea that usually translates into a blog....so what i got left with, was a whole lot of scientific mumbo jumbo and no 'feel'....so that idea is shelved...for now...till i recall what originally made me reflect on the topic.....

i've a tendency to do that you no....forget stuff....i'm kinda like Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter in that way...absent-minded...flitty-floaty....but i always have some reason (logic even!) for what i say, what i do & how i think....no matter how random it may seem....more often than not, the logic/reasoning is obscure and i rarely (if ever) do manage to put it across in words ...n even if i did manage to somewhat put it in words (or feelings or actions) it still doesn't mean that people will understand it....so....that's that....

The reason this whole 'reason' thing (see what i did there with the words :p ) came up is because, well, the last coupla weeks of the last year have seen me in a never before role....of someone who makes and sticks to hard, but necessary, decisions!....i dunno if they're the rite decisions...but they've been monumental for me...and no matter what the outcome...i know that i had the courage to take decisions that are (possibly) rite (for me)....and for someone who has always shied away from doing anything that upsets the 'normal flow' of things or 'status quo'....well, lets just say i'm proud o' me!

This might not make sense to many people (ha! like that's a surprise!)....it might even seem downright foolhardy....but this was an important milestone for me in terms of character building....i know now that i am capable of phenomenal strength....i'm not afraid of being alone/lonely/without support!

In the past 2 months....i've made decisions on impulse....something i've never been able to do before....i've never been able to be spontaneous or all 'in the moment'....cause of certain self created mental blocks....and overcoming those has been very liberating to say the least....i always believed (still do) that thoughtless actions can be harmful...but i think i've been thinking too much bout things...and maybe i've lost sum of my potential 'defining' moments because of it....and i'm tired of losing moments....but thankfully....so far, so good....i'm still going to think bout things...but i won't over analyze them like i used to.....

so here's to the new controlled-impulsive me!.....and yes...i do realize 'controlled-impulsive' is an oxymoron....but that's how it is folks....i'm pretty much entirely a contradiction.....and i like it like that!... :)

'highs'.... :p

So...here i am....trying to keep up my resolve to write more...i haven't been as regular as id've liked to be...i mean its been a coupla weeks since i wrote last....but i really am trying....i mean i'm definitely thinking more bout writing....but it seems like it does take me a while to translate those 'thoughts' into action....
A-ne-way (that's an 'anyway' wit a sigh :p)....my main reason, or rather, excuse, for the procrastination was that i needed to do 'research' on a certain idea....in my head....bout conditioning....n the whole Pavlov's Bell syndrome.....but i couldn't (read: wouldn't) find time....big surprise there!....so like all my other posts...this one's going be off the top o' my head as well....
i don't think i've mentioned my love for music before, have i?....probably cause i'd kinda eased off on listening to music....eased off in comparison to my school and early college days...cause from maybe the 7th grade till my 2nd year of BA i was practically attached, at the earlier stages, to my 'deck' (those almost obsolete tape+CD players)....progressed to a walkman....and then my iPod... :P ....i mean seriously...during my 11th and 12th...you would hardly ever find me w/o headphones around my neck (or on my ears)....but for some reason...i'd stopped listening to music quite so much after my 2nd year....lack of time maybe?!...who knows....but anyway....even though i was not as involved wit my iPod...it was still the 1st thing i turn to whenever i was low....music helped me ease my angst....mellow my senses....and basically gimme an INCREDIBLE high....
Many people ask me why i don't drink or smoke up and stuff....don't i want to feel the 'buzz'?...and i think to myself that i have my music...and it truly gives me a high like no other...it's my cocaine...and my liquor...(sounds corny, but its true)...and i can get addicted to it and there'd b no side effects...except maybe temporary deaf-ness....which i think i can deal with (in fact, temporary deaf-ness can be quite welcome at times! :p)....so anyway, of late i have 'rediscovered' my addiction...so my iPod's been getting a nice li'l workout almost everyday for the past couple of weeks... :)
Another source of euphoria for me is my dancing....my disciplined and rigid, yet beautifully yielding mistress...when i'm dancing, i feel SO goddamn beautiful!...when i get a step right...all the hard work i put in...the aching bones & tired flesh, and the irritation that is a result of the two, seem to disappear...all the pain seems totally worth it...to perform a dance (almost) flawlessly is a feeling that beats all other kinds of 'highs' n 'buzzes' for me....it's seriously addictive!

There was this one phase where i couldn't dance for a year cause i'd torn a ligament...and believe me...it was SO hard for me to not dance...despite the fact that my heel hurt like a b*tch the minute i took a stance, it still took all my willpower to stop myself from getting up and dancing.

Imma let you in on something majorly embarrassing here, sometimes my withdrawal symptoms get so bad that i HAVE to dance (maybe just a coupla steps or jus sway...SOME form of dance!) 

Whether it's the middle of the night or i'm in class. (:P) a song starts playin in my head...and my feet move of their own accord...there've been times when i've rushed to the loo in the middle of class just to get the 'dance' out..... :)
i think every should have something that gives them a 'high' w/o any (potentially) dangerous side effects or 'lows'...and by lows i mean hangovers and those incredibly depressive periods that i have seen all my friends who drink/smoke/smoke up experience when the 'high' starts wearing off...

i'm not talking bout the artificial (substance) induced highs....i'm talking bout those highs that YOU create within yourself...it is very important to be able to create your own happiness...it isn't easy...but it's not that tough either....'nuff said... :P
anyway....so that was bout my choice in intoxicants...think i've embarrassed myself enough for today....more on 'conditiong' next time....(hopefully!).... :)

and so....

Last week (everyone tells me) is apparently a milestone for me.....cause i started a new 'phase' in my life....i just started 'working'...full time....all grown up i've become! :O


But to tell you the truth, it still feels like i'm a kid playing a grown up's role....very very unreal.

It's not like i lack a sense of responsibility...or that i'm careless...or that i don't take my job seriously....it's just that i feel like i'm a kid....the whole situation hasn't really sunk in yet....thoughts bout cash inflows and career graphs haven't started worrying me much.....yet....

The only thing that (to an extent) makes the whole situation seem real is a niggling doubt that's there in the back of my mind...will i reach my potential?....do i even have the 'potential' that everyone seems to see in me?....and do they really see potential or is everyone just biased?......*sigh*....confounded musings of a convoluted mind.....


Anyway....that apart....i've been reading a book bout a certain mythological character....lets call her D...very interesting piece of literature....the insights into the human psyche that this book gave me, especially into D's psyche, kinda left me a little shaky...cause apparently, i think a lot like Ms D....and that is something i'm not sure i should be proud of....so i guess that's one thing i need to work on.....

Another thing i've realised is the fact that i have practically zero will power when it comes to most areas of my life.....and i have a great love of gratification which supersedes all my other 'moral' values (even if i may have very few), codes and belief systems....which is a terrible terrible thing!

what i mean by this is that i'm extremely self indulgent....i tend to look at what makes me happy 'now'....and take the easy way out.....and it could be something as small as not letting mom watch something cause my favourite show is on.......i'm not too happy or proud of it.....but acceptance is the 1st step towards cure, right?!

Well, i sure hope so...i need to learn to balance pleasure and responsibility....learn to sacrifice a few of my indulgences....and control my 'needs'...cause this habit of mine could lead to my ruin.....i could lose out on my relationships (family & friends)....hurt people who mean the world to me....and basically make my life (and others' ) miserable for those few moments of temporary pleasure....

Cause they are temporary.....the whole feeling of bliss disappears cause of the 'aftereffects' (read: upsetting people).....so what's the point of it, then?.....

GUILTY.........

So here i am....back after another sabbatical....and the reason for my return is not such a good one.....


Writing has always been my way of letting it all out....it helps me clear my mind....put things into perspective....it basically acts like a 'flush-er', getting rid of all my 'excess baggage' of the emotional kind (although there have been SO many times i've wished i could do that with the physical baggage as well!).....but anyway....i haven't been writing much lately....cause i've grown.....and not just age-wise....but also (i'd like to think) maturity-wise.....

When i was younger....and greener...and new to experiences...there were a LOT more things that got me riled up to the point that my feelings boiled over...not just bad feelings, there was a lot of good as well...But basically, i used to feel VERY VERY strongly bout things....and i needed to react instantly....like NOW!!!.....and the only way i could do that was through my writing!

As i've grown.....seen more....been through more.....i've learned to take my time to react....and what i've realised is that when i take that extra time to think...my reactions were more controlled....thinking calmly bout things lessened their impact on my psyche....exuberance became a calm happiness...depression beacme a mellow sadness...and there were very few exceptional spikes or dips in my emotions....and when emotions retained their intensity even after calm reflection, that's when I knew that they're something worth reacting to...

But anyway, reflecting curbed that initial wave of emotion & thoughts before it could be spewed...and that's probably why my URGE to write just went away.....

i know i've attributed the 'non-writing' to my laziness plenty of times....but i'm the kinda person who WILL do something if the urge takes over....and when i've made up my mind about something or even if i'm in the mood for something....I surprise myself at how un-lazy i can be!

The bottomline though is that i NEED to 'restart' (& continue) writing...cause it's something i LOVE to do....and i shouldn't let that go....

i've a terrible habit of procrastinating ...saying i'll do 'X'thing tomorrow...or i'll meet Y-person soon....or i'll write that mail later....or that i'll start blogging regularly once i get a job.....at my age....it's easy to assume that there will b a tomorrow....but that isn't true....
The past week has made me realize that taking people (and things) for granted is possibly the worst thing i can do....nothing is going to be around forever....no one is going to be around forever...

When you have a chance to interact with people...you should and not make excuses or delay things....assuming that there'll be another opportunity...when someone calls & asks you to meet them, you should....even if it is just fer a bit....especially if that person is/has been important in your life.....in any way.....

It's easy to meet new people....and it's easy (for me) to make new friends....but i've noticed that i'm not very good at maintaining old friendships...and i NEED to change that....i need to make more efforts to try keep in touch with people....and i'm not talking bout every tom-dick-harry you come across...but about people who have changed you/influenced you....in however small a way....i'm talking bout those people who you just remember....for no good reason....except that maybe you've shared a laugh....or a cry...it could b your school peon who rang the bell early for you once in a while....or someone in college that you met while filling forms, got talking, clicked and exchanged numbers.....it could be anyone....there are no 'parameters' as to who those people might be...but every person has a set of people that they remember....for whatever (or no) reason.....and i think it' important to keep tabs on these people (and no, i don't mean that in a stalker-y way!).
i know it's difficult....and many of these people, you may not have any means of contacting them.....but you can always try....imagine how surprised (and hopefully happy) that peon will b if you went to school one day aise hi to say hi......and i know that it's not possible with everyone....but you can (at the very least) keep in touch with the people that reach out to you!

It sounds easy.....keep in touch....but it's really not.....atleast not for me....sometimes, even though i have all the means (cell phone with balance, internet, vehicle etc.), i still find it a drag to 'keep in touch'.....there are mails/messages/calls i just cannot find the time (or inclination) to respond to.....and i really need to get outta that mindset....cause that small step will go a LONG way...and in the future....if (god forbid) something goes wrong....atleast i will know that i did what i could....and it'll spare me the guilt, if nothing else....

P.S. This post is in memory of a friend...R.I.P. you crazyass, goofy bum!..... :')