tabula rasa...

Just a few days ago, i came across this term, 'tabula rāsa,' after quite a while....and in a very unexpected context!...apparently there's a joint with the name in Delhi...i wonder why they would name a lounge 'Tabula Rāsa'?!....cause the phrase by itself has a really interesting meaning...it has its origins in Latin...tabula rāsa = blank slate (tabula = tablet & rāsa = feminine of rāsus = erased)....in human beings....it refers to a state where a person is unmarked by experiences....a 'virgin state of mind', so to speak....does this mean that people who come to this lounge come with the intention of starting off on a new note?....hmm...
sometimes i wish i could do the same....start over....with a clean slate....'tabula rāsa'...

The first time i came across this term was when i was in school (class 8 or 9)....tabula rāsa was the name of a 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' episode...i am a HUGE Buffy TV series fan btw....the first ever Buffy episode i saw was titled 'Witch'....i started watching it wen i was in class 7...and right from day one, i was hooked....obsessed, rather....Buffy used to be aired on Star World every Thursday....there was a new episode at 5 pm, a repeat at 9 the same night and then again at 8 am the next day morning....And on sunday again at 12pm....So, if i happened to miss the 5 pm and 9 pm broadcast, i used to actually bunk school to watch it the next day morning (cause my school began at 9 am)....and i used to watch it on Sunday as well...my parents tried to make me go to school a coupla times....but then i was a VERY adamant child.....


Anyway...going back to tabula rāsa....like i said....there was a Buffy episode by that name (season 6, episode 8)....and the title fit the episode's story perfectly....What happened in that episode was that Willow (Buffy's best friend and Sunnydale's resident witch) cast an amnesia spell by mistake....she meant to cast the spell only on Tara and Buffy, but it ends up casting a spell over all the characters...so they all wake up with no idea as to who they are....this leads to a lot of problems (du-uh!)....but more interestingly...it also kinda gives the viewers an idea of how the stories & characters could have been...like a parallel universe....

The episode made me think (like SO many things do!) about how it would be if i couldd start over....things couldd be SO different....i mean, we build relationships and bonds over YEARS...but what if i met the people i know not when i actually met them, but now, after i've gone through so many changes and am a completely different person than what i was...would we still forge the same kind of relationships we have today?....or would we have entirely different equations?....and could some extremely incompatible relationships actually work out now?....its something to think about, no?.....

Our experiences tend to create biases in our minds...and it's those biases that create or destroy relationships....if those experiences didn't exist (or happened later/earlier), the consequences could be surprising....

But it's also true, i guess, that experiences make us who we are...so it would be unfair to erase it all....a case of selective 'tabula rāsa', anyone? :p

a string of (possibly) unrelated thoughts......

Today has been a REALLY tiring n boring day....i had a string of awfully mundane classes....which also included one awesomely 'inspiring' lecture....in the sense that it was SO bad, that it 'inspired' today's tirade!....actually a better word would be 'incited'....cause Mr Supreme Bore's lectures are always bad....but today's lecture was the proverbial 'straw on the camel's back'!

This man is teaching us a subject that he himself claims to know nothing about....apparently, he's 'learning' with us!....what sense does that make??....and ok, i can give the guy a break if he taught the subject in a comprehensible manner....but from the way he 'teaches', he seems to lack even the basic knowledge of the subject required to relate one point to another....in fact, cause of him, i've forgotten/jumbled up what i already knew about the topic!.....and if he's new to the subject, on wot basis is he qualified to grade students' work?.....how can a 'professor' who's teaching a professional course be SO inexperienced and ignorant about the subject that he teaches?!
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No offence to Mr Supreme Bore, my problem is not with him....it's with the system that has forced him to teach a subject that he has no clue about!....he's pretty knowledgeable and experienced when it comes to current affairs & quite a few other aspects of journalism....so why is he being forced to impart knowledge about a topic that he is unfamiliar with?.....is it that since he's on the institution's payroll he needs to have some 'work' to do?!....cause it certainly seems that way.....

The institution could hire someone experienced to teach, but they will not....because it will increase their 'expenses'....and they r not 'funded' enough to be able to afford better teachers.....And it's not only in the case of the faculty that this excuse is used.....the same excuse is also used for the lack of infrastructure....i mean, if you're seriously lacking funds, then increase the fees!....i'm sure the students won't mind a slight hike in fees if they get better infrastructure and faculty!

This whole education system of ours always gets me very worked up...there are SO many gaping flaws in the system....so many loopholes that have been carefully created and integrated into the system....and yet, we let the farce continue....all of us (including me) complain about it, but do nothing....and it irritates me even more cause i know that even if we try, none of us 'aam janta' can actually make a difference.....

Yes yes....i know you're probably thinking, "If we want to, we can make a difference! It's only the matter of putting in the effort"...but honestly, no matter HOW much effort you put in, is it really going to usher in a change in the system?....not just the educational system....i'm talking about any system...be it a governmental or social one!

It's easy to say that  we can make a difference....call me a cynic, but such things happen only in an idyllic, Utopian world!....it's all hunky dory in concept, just like all the economic theories that i learnt during my post-graduation, which are true only in the case of 'perfect competition' - a fictional state of affairs!.....they just don't work out right when you actually apply them to real life.....

In the same way, this whole notion of bringing about a change in anything (other than yourself), let alone a system or the world, seems futile...

i'm the kind. who will change myself, or condition myself, to fit into/cope with a situation that i don't particularly like (even if it is after LOADS & LOADS of complaining!)....In fact, i just proved my point...cause after all this ranting, i'm feeling quite placated....not even half as disgruntled as i was when i began this rant....And when i think bout it, i'm pretty sure that most people are like me....cause in the end, it's comparatively SO much easier to change yourself than to change your surroundings...

When in Rome, do as Romans do....and if you don't wanna do what Romans do, you have two choices - 1. stay in Rome & do what you want, but be prepared to be trampled upon and ostracized by the Romans OR 2. Shift to Greece....or Spain....or wherever it is you think you'll get to do wot you want to do.... :p

See, i believe that, in this world, everything and everyone has a place....and they've been allotted that particular place because of their 'karma'....so do what you've been put in this world to do.....don't take on more than you can handle.....and if you really are meant to change the world....you'll do it without having to contrive it!

epiphanies....

i'm so glad i started writing here again.....cause i just realised that i have more to say than i would've guessed....in fact, there are quite a few 'epiphanies' that came to me just bout 2 mins ago! :p

i HATE being told wot to do over and over again.....even more than that, i HATE it when people assume/presume that i intended to say/do something that they think is 'wrong'...and when they make such assumptions & voice their brilliant 'deductions', it actually drives me to do the 'wrong' thing, even if i had previously decided to make a different choice....

Confusing?....it isn't really....you would probably understand if i gave you the context/reason for today's dose of ranting.... what happened is my mom wanted me to visit my granny's place today evening for the 'Satyanarayan pooja' that they're having there as a part of the ongoing the Ganesh festival....and i had already made plans to go out in the morning....with friends.....so i go out...with her 'blessings'....and happened to come home a li'l late (by her standards).....so she's all pissed off....sensing one of her 'lectures' coming on, i asked her "so when are we leaving?".....and that starts her off...."i'm leaving in half an hour!!!... *pissed off stare* ...you go out in the morning and come in late (Ok, so i got a li'l delayed! i get it!)  & now you don even want to come to amamma's (that means 'mother's mother' in Malayalam) place..." 

?????? Hello!.....i said 'we' for heaven's sake?!....people don't even hear what i say & just randomly start making accusatory statements!....so i decided that i actually wouldn't go....even though my amamma would get really upset. :(

i know, i know....i'm being silly....but it's REALLY irritating when she does that....especially when we'd just had a fight bout it today morning....i'd just woken up & come out of my room...i wished my mom a good morning...and again, her awesomely smart 'deductions' lead her to believe that i was going to go online & hence i came out of my room...wow!....brilliant logic!....so i thought, "why let her down, why prove her wrong? i'll do exactly wot she thought i would do!"...so i went online....even though, originally, i had planned to make her something to drink & then have a nice 'momsey' chat with her.....

She says that i NEVER spend quality time with her.....& this tirade comes after i spent the WHOLE of last evening AND afternoon with her.....it's not even like i'm ALWAYS out with my friends.....in fact, i decline most invitations only because i LIKE being home when she gets back from work....and cause i don't want her to feel alone....i mean, look at other kids my age....see how much they stay out....now compare that to the amount of time i've been out.....i've had a night out TWICE in my life....i don't go out partying because she doesn't like it.....it's not even like i don't go but sit at home & complain bout it....i've actually conditioned myself to be a 'homebody' for all practical purposes....i'm always home before 8 in the night....i RARELY am out all day....i can never be a part of a 'spur-of-the-moment' plan (cause i need to inform her in advance of my outings)....i have never been to a concert....i hardly even go for friends' birthday parties if i know i'm going to be later than 9 'o' clock.....cause she gets all moody n weepy (even after i've gotten my plans approved from her)....all this because i don't like it when she's alone at home.....


But still, after all this, all i get in return is taunts...it's just not fair....that's why i probably end up doing what i do....i know it's wrong...but if i'm not going to get any credit for what i do....i really see no reason why i should do things that i would prefer not to do.......


And that's my thought process....but in the end, even after all the taunts, i still end up doing the so-called right thing.....or the thing that other people (read: my mom) want me to do.....*sigh*.....i'm just SO spineless, aren't i?......but i cant help it....i love my mom too damn much...i just wish she'd stop saying the mean, hurtful things that she always does, just because she's feeling low....everyone feels low at some point of time or the other....but i don't take it out on her when i'm low.....and she doesn't have the right to hurt me and make me feel worthless when things are not going right for her.....she's old enough & needs to start dealing with things without hurting the people who care bout her....cause in the end, all she's doing is pushing everyone away.....she needs to understand that she CANNOT goad me into doing things...it's been her policy since i was little....to insult and criticize me....to say mean things....she's always saying "i know you're gonna do the wrong thing" in that know-it-all voice of hers....thinking that by doing all this i'm going to be pushed into doing the right things just to prove her wrong....but i'm not built like that....what she does puts me down....breaks my confidence....and mostly irritates me to the point of doing the very things that she doesn't want me to do....

Each person is built differently.....and i'm not the kinda person to prove a point.....i'm the kinda person who needs constant reassurance....and i do things so as to not let other people down when they believe in me.....but what she does just makes me feel like she thinks i'm not capable of doing anything....so in the end, i just end up giving up on the things that i had previously convinced myself to do.....

You need to know how each person responds to situations....you cant treat everyone the same way....and you certainly cannot assume that people will react to things the same way that you do.....that's what i learnt from this.....and that's what seems to be my mom's (possibly only) shortcoming.....

life and lessons....

i'm back....after a VERY long time....thanks to Mr 'P'.... :)
i started writing this blog cause i needed an outlet....and i guess i shud keep at it....cause it really did help...relying on people to be that outlet is really not a very reliable option....you see, people have their own moods, their own lives and you can't really expect them to listen to you every single time....Even if they do listen....you can't expect them to be non-judgemental...cause it's human nature....to judge....to make assumptions....to jump to conclusions.... 

In short, this is a much better way of letting off steam....

i'm in the second year of my mass comm course now....dunno how much more i've learnt bout journalism....but i've definitely learnt some stuff bout people.....and i've discovered some stuff 'bout me as well....not all good i'm afraid....but not all bad either... :)

One very important thing i've discovered bout myself is that i tend to make the same kinda 'mistakes'....i tend to read more deeply into things than i need to....end up seeing things that are not really there....feeling connections that do not exist....and then expecting things that i shudn't be expecting....*sigh*....but hopefully i've learnt my lesson this time....i won't be getting too 'friendly' with anyone anytime soon....

More 'bout life and lessons the next time (which should, hopefully, be soon!)....thank you again, Mr P..... :D

changes.....

Things happen...people change....you change....your perception of people changes.....it's a part of life....not a part that i like very much....but nevertheless.....it's inevitable.....and i've learnt to do deal with it...not too well, i'm afraid......but, ive scraped through.......

Lots of things in my life have changed....people have changed....n sometimes.....i've handled it well....sometimes i haven't.....but i've learnt plenty.....like how not to let changes affect your relationships...i've let too many people go cause i haven't been able to accept that things were different & that they needed to be dealt with, not ignored!

i lost my best friend to my (for the lack of a better word) rigidity.....and cause i couldn't see through my bubble....i was wrapped up in a warped world where, at that point in time, she was the enemy.....she was like the elder sister i never had.....and i blew it!....by not giving her enough time.....and by not accepting that i had changed and so had she...And then i almost lost the only other person who i could call a best friend......but thankfully, he stayed (no credit to me!)......till i finally realised that things were different....and i had a chance to redeem myself....


When i think bout it, i don think i've had much luck with best friends....i 'lost' my first best friend when i shifted from Aurangabad to Pune.....and another one when she shifted from Pune to wherever.....And then my school teachers 'requested' my mom to keep me away from my then best friend....cause 'apparently' she was 'bad influence' (hey, i was in std 7 then!And i was a sweet, innocent kid, honest!)...Next i realised that me and the girl who'd been my best friend from 7th-10th 'grew up' to be completely different people...n then there was MJ & i thought i'd met my soul sister.....that didn't last fer too long now,did it?!.......


i thot i was doomed to be alone forever.....i mean, i had friends....i was never a loner per se.....but i was alone.....you no how it is.....you can b surrounded by people.....somee of whom care bout you.....but you still feel all alone....like no one understands you.....and at that point...i guess no one did.....i didn't understand myself.....cause i was going through such rapid changes....

Everything was changing on daily basis.....honestly.....you know how people say that people change overnight....well, its not true!....it's just that most of the times people are so wrapped up in their own worlds that they don see the changes happening gradually.....and by the time they do look, well, it's metamorphosis complete!.....

And there are times when you see a person in a certain way.....and then *BAM*.....a few days later you get completely different vibes.....people you thought were your friends suddenly start giving you all weird stand-offish vibes....and people who you thought were totally 'not your type' actually turn out to be tuned into the same frequency as you......*SURPRISE*....

Sometimes you just tend to get so comfortable with certain 'arrangements', that you delude yourself into thinking that ANY change couldn't possibly be for the better...but those are just boundaries you create in your own head...and by doing so...you're potentially closing yourself up to any kinda growth!

So yes, i've learnt plenty.....iv'e learnt that it's important to make time for people you care bout....and it's even more important to come to terms with the changes your going through (or they're going through!)...or a change in circumstances...even though it might be difficult to deal with it, it's totally worth it!...cause if you don't learn to deal.....well, you might just lose out on something special!