Sunday, June 12, 2011

my past.....

My heart throbs with pain, searing pain;

As i lower my eyes to the ground & walk, avoiding looks of disdain....

i'm shivering, cold on the inside;

But i have nowhere to go, nowhere to hide....

i have no shelter, no place to call my own;

i have always been and will be alone.....

i keep walking, walking till i find i cant go on;

i collapse to the earth, wishing i'd never been born.....


You came into my life like a breath of fresh air,

You changed my world by just being there,

And now you're gone

i tried to hold on

You slipped through my fingers, i was left with nothing instead......

And now i find myself missing you SO much,

I was wounded, you were like my crutch,

What went wrong?

Why is it taking so long?

To sort this mess inside my head....

i feel like i have no one to call my own anymore,

My heart might've mended, but its still sore,

What am i to do?

Should i love you or hate you?

'cause my heart's still weak cause of the way it bled.....


It was gonna be one sided love

You never really felt anything for me at all;

One sided love

i had nothing to break my fall;

So i fell for you, so hard so fast, lil' did i know;

That the one sided love i had for you would leave me with nothing to show.....

It's always been one sided love

i don't blame you for my fall;

One sided love

i'll learn to deal with it all;

i ain't gonna be so green, so naive to believe in happy endings no more;

i hate to admit it, but this one sided love has helped me grow....


Monday, May 16, 2011


Oh, Mario
Sit here by the window
Stay here 'til we reach Idaho
And when we go, hold my hand on take-off
Tell me what I already know
That we can't talk about it
No, we can't talk about it
Because nobody knows, that's how I nearly fell
Trading clothes and ringing Pavlov's Bell
History shows there's not a chance in hell
But, oh, Mario
We're only to Ohio
It's kinda getting harder to breathe
I won't let it show
I'm all about denial
But can't denial let me believe
And we could talk about it
But he can't talk about it
Because nobody knows, that's how I nearly fell
Trading clothes and ringing Pavlov's Bell
History shows but rarely shows it well
Well, well, well
Oh, Mario,
Why if this is nothing
I'm finding it's so hard to dismiss
If you're what I need
Then only you can save me
So come on baby give me the fix
And let's just talk about it
I've got to talk about it
Because nobody knows, that's how I nearly fell
Trading clothes and ringing Pavlov's Bell
History shows like it was show and tell
So tell me...
That's how I nearly fell...
By ringing Pavlov's bell...
So, baby, show and tell...
Oh, Mario, Mario
These lyrics are from the song 'Pavlov's Bell' by Aimee Mann.....Buffy soundtrack....brilliant show...brilliant singer....Aimee Mann has this really interesting voice....deep...with lovely hints of smoke...and, surprisingly, some high-ish tones that i'm generally not fond of....but it sounds good when she does it!

She's a guitarist and bassist...and often comes up with ambiguous/interpretative lyrics...this is one of her songs that i found especially interpretative....its capable of meaning different things to different could be bout a drug addiction...or an eating disorder....some people interpret it as being bout a change in her outlook towards music and fan reactions....some people think its about relationships & the roles you play in personal interpretation is that this song's bout 'taboo' feelings that people condition themselves to, umm, skirt 'ignore-it-and-it'll-go-away' thought process...but not talking bout it rarely makes anything go usually just makes things worse...

So anyway...all this got me thinking...bout perspectives....and 'schemas'....and how where you come from, what you've grown up with, affects how you think....i mean, the words are the same....but how they're interpreted depends on individual life experiences....

Which is why i love dealing with words.....words allow you to hide in plain sight...i can say something ..and it can mean what its supposed to mean only to me....and a select few....and this happens because words can be to expect them to mean something ..but when taken outta one context and put into another, they could mean something else entirely....certain set of words are perceived as harsh...and other words, that essentially mean the same thing, can be gentle n soothing.....

And that is wot makes dealing with words complicated.....the interpretation part of start out wanting to say something ...and it ends up getting matter how plainly, simply & directly you put things...
People have the freedom to perceive it as they see fit...

People can deliberately misinterpret....or...their perception can be unwittingly coloured by their life's experiences...the difference between the two is subtle....and when you do understand to tell which is which....that is when you can get some real communication going....or alternatively....understand that there's no scope to get through!

Monday, January 3, 2011

happy(?) new year....

So basically...i am just not gonna say when i'll rite next....cause *ha ha* i never stick to can call it laziness...or busy-ness....but honestly....i think it was just the lack of things to say....

Lemme rephrase that...its the lack of things with consequence to say....i mean, i just feel like i'm not accomplishing anything by writing or saying what's on my mind....who's listening anyway?.....but then i realized...that just cause i think no one's listening....doesn't mean that no one is actually listening...and even if that were the shouldn't stop me from writing, no?

Now that i've sorted that out....lets get down to business....i think that i said i'd talk 'bout conditioning in my next blog...and i honestly did all the 'research work' that i wanted to...but by the time i was done with the 'research' i forgot the 'connect' bit of it....and by 'connect' i mean what originally got me thinking 'bout Pavlov's bell and conditioning....the 'germ' of an idea that usually translates into a what i got left with, was a whole lot of scientific mumbo jumbo and no 'feel' that idea is shelved...for now...till i recall what originally made me reflect on the topic.....

i've a tendency to do that you no....forget stuff....i'm kinda like Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter in that way...absent-minded...flitty-floaty....but i always have some reason (logic even!) for what i say, what i do & how i matter how random it may seem....more often than not, the logic/reasoning is obscure and i rarely (if ever) do manage to put it across in words ...n even if i did manage to somewhat put it in words (or feelings or actions) it still doesn't mean that people will understand's that....

The reason this whole 'reason' thing (see what i did there with the words :p ) came up is because, well, the last coupla weeks of the last year have seen me in a never before role....of someone who makes and sticks to hard, but necessary, decisions!....i dunno if they're the rite decisions...but they've been monumental for me...and no matter what the outcome...i know that i had the courage to take decisions that are (possibly) rite (for me)....and for someone who has always shied away from doing anything that upsets the 'normal flow' of things or 'status quo'....well, lets just say i'm proud o' me!

This might not make sense to many people (ha! like that's a surprise!) might even seem downright foolhardy....but this was an important milestone for me in terms of character building....i know now that i am capable of phenomenal strength....i'm not afraid of being alone/lonely/without support!

In the past 2 months....i've made decisions on impulse....something i've never been able to do before....i've never been able to be spontaneous or all 'in the moment'....cause of certain self created mental blocks....and overcoming those has been very liberating to say the least....i always believed (still do) that thoughtless actions can be harmful...but i think i've been thinking too much bout things...and maybe i've lost sum of my potential 'defining' moments because of it....and i'm tired of losing moments....but far, so good....i'm still going to think bout things...but i won't over analyze them like i used to.....

so here's to the new controlled-impulsive me!.....and yes...i do realize 'controlled-impulsive' is an oxymoron....but that's how it is folks....i'm pretty much entirely a contradiction.....and i like it like that!... :)