i'm so glad i
started writing here again.....cause i just realised that i have more to say than
i would've guessed....in fact, there are quite a few 'epiphanies' that came to
me just bout 2 mins ago!
:p
i HATE being told wot to do over and over again.....even more than that, i HATE it when people assume/presume that i intended to say/do something that they think is 'wrong'...and when they make such assumptions & voice their brilliant 'deductions', it actually drives me to do the 'wrong' thing, even if i had previously decided to make a different choice....
i HATE being told wot to do over and over again.....even more than that, i HATE it when people assume/presume that i intended to say/do something that they think is 'wrong'...and when they make such assumptions & voice their brilliant 'deductions', it actually drives me to do the 'wrong' thing, even if i had previously decided to make a different choice....
Confusing?....it isn't really....you would probably
understand if i gave you the context/reason for today's dose of ranting....
what happened is my mom wanted me to visit my granny's place today evening for
the 'Satyanarayan pooja'
that they're having there as a part of the ongoing the Ganesh festival....and i had already made
plans to go out in the morning....with friends.....so i go out...with her
'blessings'....and happened to come home a li'l late (by her standards).....so she's
all pissed off....sensing one of her 'lectures' coming on, i asked her "so
when are we leaving?".....and that starts her
off...."i'm leaving
in half an hour!!!... *pissed off stare* ...you go out in the morning and come
in late (Ok, so i got a li'l delayed! i get it!) & now
you don even want to come to amamma's
(that means 'mother's mother' in Malayalam) place..."
?????? Hello!.....i said 'we' for heaven's sake?!....people
don't even hear what i say & just randomly start making accusatory statements!....so i decided
that i actually wouldn't go....even though my amamma would
get really upset. :(
i know, i know....i'm being silly....but it's REALLY irritating when she does that....especially when we'd just had a fight bout it today morning....i'd just woken up & come out of my room...i wished my mom a good morning...and again, her awesomely smart 'deductions' lead her to believe that i was going to go online & hence i came out of my room...wow!....brilliant logic!....so i thought, "why let her down, why prove her wrong? i'll do exactly wot she thought i would do!"...so i went online....even though, originally, i had planned to make her something to drink & then have a nice 'momsey' chat with her.....
She says that i NEVER spend quality time with her.....& this tirade comes after i spent the WHOLE of last evening AND afternoon with her.....it's not even like i'm ALWAYS out with my friends.....in fact, i decline most invitations only because i LIKE being home when she gets back from work....and cause i don't want her to feel alone....i mean, look at other kids my age....see how much they stay out....now compare that to the amount of time i've been out.....i've had a night out TWICE in my life....i don't go out partying because she doesn't like it.....it's not even like i don't go but sit at home & complain bout it....i've actually conditioned myself to be a 'homebody' for all practical purposes....i'm always home before 8 in the night....i RARELY am out all day....i can never be a part of a 'spur-of-the-moment' plan (cause i need to inform her in advance of my outings)....i have never been to a concert....i hardly even go for friends' birthday parties if i know i'm going to be later than 9 'o' clock.....cause she gets all moody n weepy (even after i've gotten my plans approved from her)....all this because i don't like it when she's alone at home.....
But still, after all this, all i get in return is taunts...it's just not fair....that's why i probably end up doing what i do....i know it's wrong...but if i'm not going to get any credit for what i do....i really see no reason why i should do things that i would prefer not to do.......
And that's my thought process....but in the end, even after all the taunts, i still end up doing the so-called right thing.....or the thing that other people (read: my mom) want me to do.....*sigh*.....i'm just SO spineless, aren't i?......but i cant help it....i love my mom too damn much...i just wish she'd stop saying the mean, hurtful things that she always does, just because she's feeling low....everyone feels low at some point of time or the other....but i don't take it out on her when i'm low.....and she doesn't have the right to hurt me and make me feel worthless when things are not going right for her.....she's old enough & needs to start dealing with things without hurting the people who care bout her....cause in the end, all she's doing is pushing everyone away.....she needs to understand that she CANNOT goad me into doing things...it's been her policy since i was little....to insult and criticize me....to say mean things....she's always saying "i know you're gonna do the wrong thing" in that know-it-all voice of hers....thinking that by doing all this i'm going to be pushed into doing the right things just to prove her wrong....but i'm not built like that....what she does puts me down....breaks my confidence....and mostly irritates me to the point of doing the very things that she doesn't want me to do....
i know, i know....i'm being silly....but it's REALLY irritating when she does that....especially when we'd just had a fight bout it today morning....i'd just woken up & come out of my room...i wished my mom a good morning...and again, her awesomely smart 'deductions' lead her to believe that i was going to go online & hence i came out of my room...wow!....brilliant logic!....so i thought, "why let her down, why prove her wrong? i'll do exactly wot she thought i would do!"...so i went online....even though, originally, i had planned to make her something to drink & then have a nice 'momsey' chat with her.....
She says that i NEVER spend quality time with her.....& this tirade comes after i spent the WHOLE of last evening AND afternoon with her.....it's not even like i'm ALWAYS out with my friends.....in fact, i decline most invitations only because i LIKE being home when she gets back from work....and cause i don't want her to feel alone....i mean, look at other kids my age....see how much they stay out....now compare that to the amount of time i've been out.....i've had a night out TWICE in my life....i don't go out partying because she doesn't like it.....it's not even like i don't go but sit at home & complain bout it....i've actually conditioned myself to be a 'homebody' for all practical purposes....i'm always home before 8 in the night....i RARELY am out all day....i can never be a part of a 'spur-of-the-moment' plan (cause i need to inform her in advance of my outings)....i have never been to a concert....i hardly even go for friends' birthday parties if i know i'm going to be later than 9 'o' clock.....cause she gets all moody n weepy (even after i've gotten my plans approved from her)....all this because i don't like it when she's alone at home.....
But still, after all this, all i get in return is taunts...it's just not fair....that's why i probably end up doing what i do....i know it's wrong...but if i'm not going to get any credit for what i do....i really see no reason why i should do things that i would prefer not to do.......
And that's my thought process....but in the end, even after all the taunts, i still end up doing the so-called right thing.....or the thing that other people (read: my mom) want me to do.....*sigh*.....i'm just SO spineless, aren't i?......but i cant help it....i love my mom too damn much...i just wish she'd stop saying the mean, hurtful things that she always does, just because she's feeling low....everyone feels low at some point of time or the other....but i don't take it out on her when i'm low.....and she doesn't have the right to hurt me and make me feel worthless when things are not going right for her.....she's old enough & needs to start dealing with things without hurting the people who care bout her....cause in the end, all she's doing is pushing everyone away.....she needs to understand that she CANNOT goad me into doing things...it's been her policy since i was little....to insult and criticize me....to say mean things....she's always saying "i know you're gonna do the wrong thing" in that know-it-all voice of hers....thinking that by doing all this i'm going to be pushed into doing the right things just to prove her wrong....but i'm not built like that....what she does puts me down....breaks my confidence....and mostly irritates me to the point of doing the very things that she doesn't want me to do....
Each person is built differently.....and i'm not the kinda person to prove a point.....i'm the kinda person who needs constant reassurance....and i do things so as to not let other people down when they believe in me.....but what she does just makes me feel like she thinks i'm not capable of doing anything....so in the end, i just end up giving up on the things that i had previously convinced myself to do.....
You need to know how each person responds to situations....you cant treat everyone the same way....and you certainly cannot assume that people will react to things the same way that you do.....that's what i learnt from this.....and that's what seems to be my mom's (possibly only) shortcoming.....
