'highs'.... :p

So...here i am....trying to keep up my resolve to write more...i haven't been as regular as id've liked to be...i mean its been a coupla weeks since i wrote last....but i really am trying....i mean i'm definitely thinking more bout writing....but it seems like it does take me a while to translate those 'thoughts' into action....
A-ne-way (that's an 'anyway' wit a sigh :p)....my main reason, or rather, excuse, for the procrastination was that i needed to do 'research' on a certain idea....in my head....bout conditioning....n the whole Pavlov's Bell syndrome.....but i couldn't (read: wouldn't) find time....big surprise there!....so like all my other posts...this one's going be off the top o' my head as well....
i don't think i've mentioned my love for music before, have i?....probably cause i'd kinda eased off on listening to music....eased off in comparison to my school and early college days...cause from maybe the 7th grade till my 2nd year of BA i was practically attached, at the earlier stages, to my 'deck' (those almost obsolete tape+CD players)....progressed to a walkman....and then my iPod... :P ....i mean seriously...during my 11th and 12th...you would hardly ever find me w/o headphones around my neck (or on my ears)....but for some reason...i'd stopped listening to music quite so much after my 2nd year....lack of time maybe?!...who knows....but anyway....even though i was not as involved wit my iPod...it was still the 1st thing i turn to whenever i was low....music helped me ease my angst....mellow my senses....and basically gimme an INCREDIBLE high....
Many people ask me why i don't drink or smoke up and stuff....don't i want to feel the 'buzz'?...and i think to myself that i have my music...and it truly gives me a high like no other...it's my cocaine...and my liquor...(sounds corny, but its true)...and i can get addicted to it and there'd b no side effects...except maybe temporary deaf-ness....which i think i can deal with (in fact, temporary deaf-ness can be quite welcome at times! :p)....so anyway, of late i have 'rediscovered' my addiction...so my iPod's been getting a nice li'l workout almost everyday for the past couple of weeks... :)
Another source of euphoria for me is my dancing....my disciplined and rigid, yet beautifully yielding mistress...when i'm dancing, i feel SO goddamn beautiful!...when i get a step right...all the hard work i put in...the aching bones & tired flesh, and the irritation that is a result of the two, seem to disappear...all the pain seems totally worth it...to perform a dance (almost) flawlessly is a feeling that beats all other kinds of 'highs' n 'buzzes' for me....it's seriously addictive!

There was this one phase where i couldn't dance for a year cause i'd torn a ligament...and believe me...it was SO hard for me to not dance...despite the fact that my heel hurt like a b*tch the minute i took a stance, it still took all my willpower to stop myself from getting up and dancing.

Imma let you in on something majorly embarrassing here, sometimes my withdrawal symptoms get so bad that i HAVE to dance (maybe just a coupla steps or jus sway...SOME form of dance!) 

Whether it's the middle of the night or i'm in class. (:P) a song starts playin in my head...and my feet move of their own accord...there've been times when i've rushed to the loo in the middle of class just to get the 'dance' out..... :)
i think every should have something that gives them a 'high' w/o any (potentially) dangerous side effects or 'lows'...and by lows i mean hangovers and those incredibly depressive periods that i have seen all my friends who drink/smoke/smoke up experience when the 'high' starts wearing off...

i'm not talking bout the artificial (substance) induced highs....i'm talking bout those highs that YOU create within yourself...it is very important to be able to create your own happiness...it isn't easy...but it's not that tough either....'nuff said... :P
anyway....so that was bout my choice in intoxicants...think i've embarrassed myself enough for today....more on 'conditiong' next time....(hopefully!).... :)

and so....

Last week (everyone tells me) is apparently a milestone for me.....cause i started a new 'phase' in my life....i just started 'working'...full time....all grown up i've become! :O


But to tell you the truth, it still feels like i'm a kid playing a grown up's role....very very unreal.

It's not like i lack a sense of responsibility...or that i'm careless...or that i don't take my job seriously....it's just that i feel like i'm a kid....the whole situation hasn't really sunk in yet....thoughts bout cash inflows and career graphs haven't started worrying me much.....yet....

The only thing that (to an extent) makes the whole situation seem real is a niggling doubt that's there in the back of my mind...will i reach my potential?....do i even have the 'potential' that everyone seems to see in me?....and do they really see potential or is everyone just biased?......*sigh*....confounded musings of a convoluted mind.....


Anyway....that apart....i've been reading a book bout a certain mythological character....lets call her D...very interesting piece of literature....the insights into the human psyche that this book gave me, especially into D's psyche, kinda left me a little shaky...cause apparently, i think a lot like Ms D....and that is something i'm not sure i should be proud of....so i guess that's one thing i need to work on.....

Another thing i've realised is the fact that i have practically zero will power when it comes to most areas of my life.....and i have a great love of gratification which supersedes all my other 'moral' values (even if i may have very few), codes and belief systems....which is a terrible terrible thing!

what i mean by this is that i'm extremely self indulgent....i tend to look at what makes me happy 'now'....and take the easy way out.....and it could be something as small as not letting mom watch something cause my favourite show is on.......i'm not too happy or proud of it.....but acceptance is the 1st step towards cure, right?!

Well, i sure hope so...i need to learn to balance pleasure and responsibility....learn to sacrifice a few of my indulgences....and control my 'needs'...cause this habit of mine could lead to my ruin.....i could lose out on my relationships (family & friends)....hurt people who mean the world to me....and basically make my life (and others' ) miserable for those few moments of temporary pleasure....

Cause they are temporary.....the whole feeling of bliss disappears cause of the 'aftereffects' (read: upsetting people).....so what's the point of it, then?.....

GUILTY.........

So here i am....back after another sabbatical....and the reason for my return is not such a good one.....


Writing has always been my way of letting it all out....it helps me clear my mind....put things into perspective....it basically acts like a 'flush-er', getting rid of all my 'excess baggage' of the emotional kind (although there have been SO many times i've wished i could do that with the physical baggage as well!).....but anyway....i haven't been writing much lately....cause i've grown.....and not just age-wise....but also (i'd like to think) maturity-wise.....

When i was younger....and greener...and new to experiences...there were a LOT more things that got me riled up to the point that my feelings boiled over...not just bad feelings, there was a lot of good as well...But basically, i used to feel VERY VERY strongly bout things....and i needed to react instantly....like NOW!!!.....and the only way i could do that was through my writing!

As i've grown.....seen more....been through more.....i've learned to take my time to react....and what i've realised is that when i take that extra time to think...my reactions were more controlled....thinking calmly bout things lessened their impact on my psyche....exuberance became a calm happiness...depression beacme a mellow sadness...and there were very few exceptional spikes or dips in my emotions....and when emotions retained their intensity even after calm reflection, that's when I knew that they're something worth reacting to...

But anyway, reflecting curbed that initial wave of emotion & thoughts before it could be spewed...and that's probably why my URGE to write just went away.....

i know i've attributed the 'non-writing' to my laziness plenty of times....but i'm the kinda person who WILL do something if the urge takes over....and when i've made up my mind about something or even if i'm in the mood for something....I surprise myself at how un-lazy i can be!

The bottomline though is that i NEED to 'restart' (& continue) writing...cause it's something i LOVE to do....and i shouldn't let that go....

i've a terrible habit of procrastinating ...saying i'll do 'X'thing tomorrow...or i'll meet Y-person soon....or i'll write that mail later....or that i'll start blogging regularly once i get a job.....at my age....it's easy to assume that there will b a tomorrow....but that isn't true....
The past week has made me realize that taking people (and things) for granted is possibly the worst thing i can do....nothing is going to be around forever....no one is going to be around forever...

When you have a chance to interact with people...you should and not make excuses or delay things....assuming that there'll be another opportunity...when someone calls & asks you to meet them, you should....even if it is just fer a bit....especially if that person is/has been important in your life.....in any way.....

It's easy to meet new people....and it's easy (for me) to make new friends....but i've noticed that i'm not very good at maintaining old friendships...and i NEED to change that....i need to make more efforts to try keep in touch with people....and i'm not talking bout every tom-dick-harry you come across...but about people who have changed you/influenced you....in however small a way....i'm talking bout those people who you just remember....for no good reason....except that maybe you've shared a laugh....or a cry...it could b your school peon who rang the bell early for you once in a while....or someone in college that you met while filling forms, got talking, clicked and exchanged numbers.....it could be anyone....there are no 'parameters' as to who those people might be...but every person has a set of people that they remember....for whatever (or no) reason.....and i think it' important to keep tabs on these people (and no, i don't mean that in a stalker-y way!).
i know it's difficult....and many of these people, you may not have any means of contacting them.....but you can always try....imagine how surprised (and hopefully happy) that peon will b if you went to school one day aise hi to say hi......and i know that it's not possible with everyone....but you can (at the very least) keep in touch with the people that reach out to you!

It sounds easy.....keep in touch....but it's really not.....atleast not for me....sometimes, even though i have all the means (cell phone with balance, internet, vehicle etc.), i still find it a drag to 'keep in touch'.....there are mails/messages/calls i just cannot find the time (or inclination) to respond to.....and i really need to get outta that mindset....cause that small step will go a LONG way...and in the future....if (god forbid) something goes wrong....atleast i will know that i did what i could....and it'll spare me the guilt, if nothing else....

P.S. This post is in memory of a friend...R.I.P. you crazyass, goofy bum!..... :')

back to square one....

And so...after a long sabbatical....i'm back....and this time....i'm not even going to try to tell myself that i'll be regular...cause i know i won't....

A lot of new things have happened over the past few months....new friendships revived....impressions revised....new connections....some memorable....some not so much....some good....some not so good....

It feels good to rekindle old relationships....and by relationships i mean friendships/kinships/acquaintances/family bonds....wherever people are involved....It's nice to reconnect with people that you've lost touch with over the years....it's like getting a new hold on your roots....on what you were....and, at the same time, growing & forging mature relationships....cause these people from your past are the ones who knew what you were....and they'll b able to tell what has changed (if anything)....and they are the one's who'll appreciate those tiny changes that everyone undergoes over time....

Believe me....even those tiny changes take effort....when you realise, as you grow up, what you were doing wrong, and make conscious efforts to change those aspects, it feels good to have someone acknowledge those changes....however silently.... :)

It feels good to get ova those 'barriers' that existed earlier.....and get a glimpse of a whole new person that you never expected to find underneath it all....it makes you glad that you took the risk....the risk of approaching the ex-'unapproachable's (:p)....the risk of being turned away....and not being acknowledged....you know, like when you wave at someone you know in public and they don't wave back?!

But what happens when, at the end of it all, you've 'uncovered' something wonderful....but it all comes crumbling down?....walls go back up again ( for whatever reasons, because these things are complicated!)....facades & masks fall back into place.....and you're back where you started....back to square one.

It's disappointing....and frustrating...do you keep trying?....or just let go?....knowing what lies behind the concrete & stones....all the awesome camaraderie....the matching frequencies....knowing that could potentially be something good & true....makes it SUPER hard to give up....but then again....what's the point of trying, you're mind rationalizes....cause every time those walls break, new ones get put up....

but as y'all (should) know by now.....i'm not one to rationalize.... :p


So i'll just keep trying....and maybe some day....those walls will fall down and STAY down!....and hopefully no 'complications' will arise....