and so....

Last week (everyone tells me) is apparently a milestone for me.....cause i started a new 'phase' in my life....i just started 'working'...full time....all grown up i've become! :O


But to tell you the truth, it still feels like i'm a kid playing a grown up's role....very very unreal.

It's not like i lack a sense of responsibility...or that i'm careless...or that i don't take my job seriously....it's just that i feel like i'm a kid....the whole situation hasn't really sunk in yet....thoughts bout cash inflows and career graphs haven't started worrying me much.....yet....

The only thing that (to an extent) makes the whole situation seem real is a niggling doubt that's there in the back of my mind...will i reach my potential?....do i even have the 'potential' that everyone seems to see in me?....and do they really see potential or is everyone just biased?......*sigh*....confounded musings of a convoluted mind.....


Anyway....that apart....i've been reading a book bout a certain mythological character....lets call her D...very interesting piece of literature....the insights into the human psyche that this book gave me, especially into D's psyche, kinda left me a little shaky...cause apparently, i think a lot like Ms D....and that is something i'm not sure i should be proud of....so i guess that's one thing i need to work on.....

Another thing i've realised is the fact that i have practically zero will power when it comes to most areas of my life.....and i have a great love of gratification which supersedes all my other 'moral' values (even if i may have very few), codes and belief systems....which is a terrible terrible thing!

what i mean by this is that i'm extremely self indulgent....i tend to look at what makes me happy 'now'....and take the easy way out.....and it could be something as small as not letting mom watch something cause my favourite show is on.......i'm not too happy or proud of it.....but acceptance is the 1st step towards cure, right?!

Well, i sure hope so...i need to learn to balance pleasure and responsibility....learn to sacrifice a few of my indulgences....and control my 'needs'...cause this habit of mine could lead to my ruin.....i could lose out on my relationships (family & friends)....hurt people who mean the world to me....and basically make my life (and others' ) miserable for those few moments of temporary pleasure....

Cause they are temporary.....the whole feeling of bliss disappears cause of the 'aftereffects' (read: upsetting people).....so what's the point of it, then?.....

GUILTY.........

So here i am....back after another sabbatical....and the reason for my return is not such a good one.....


Writing has always been my way of letting it all out....it helps me clear my mind....put things into perspective....it basically acts like a 'flush-er', getting rid of all my 'excess baggage' of the emotional kind (although there have been SO many times i've wished i could do that with the physical baggage as well!).....but anyway....i haven't been writing much lately....cause i've grown.....and not just age-wise....but also (i'd like to think) maturity-wise.....

When i was younger....and greener...and new to experiences...there were a LOT more things that got me riled up to the point that my feelings boiled over...not just bad feelings, there was a lot of good as well...But basically, i used to feel VERY VERY strongly bout things....and i needed to react instantly....like NOW!!!.....and the only way i could do that was through my writing!

As i've grown.....seen more....been through more.....i've learned to take my time to react....and what i've realised is that when i take that extra time to think...my reactions were more controlled....thinking calmly bout things lessened their impact on my psyche....exuberance became a calm happiness...depression beacme a mellow sadness...and there were very few exceptional spikes or dips in my emotions....and when emotions retained their intensity even after calm reflection, that's when I knew that they're something worth reacting to...

But anyway, reflecting curbed that initial wave of emotion & thoughts before it could be spewed...and that's probably why my URGE to write just went away.....

i know i've attributed the 'non-writing' to my laziness plenty of times....but i'm the kinda person who WILL do something if the urge takes over....and when i've made up my mind about something or even if i'm in the mood for something....I surprise myself at how un-lazy i can be!

The bottomline though is that i NEED to 'restart' (& continue) writing...cause it's something i LOVE to do....and i shouldn't let that go....

i've a terrible habit of procrastinating ...saying i'll do 'X'thing tomorrow...or i'll meet Y-person soon....or i'll write that mail later....or that i'll start blogging regularly once i get a job.....at my age....it's easy to assume that there will b a tomorrow....but that isn't true....
The past week has made me realize that taking people (and things) for granted is possibly the worst thing i can do....nothing is going to be around forever....no one is going to be around forever...

When you have a chance to interact with people...you should and not make excuses or delay things....assuming that there'll be another opportunity...when someone calls & asks you to meet them, you should....even if it is just fer a bit....especially if that person is/has been important in your life.....in any way.....

It's easy to meet new people....and it's easy (for me) to make new friends....but i've noticed that i'm not very good at maintaining old friendships...and i NEED to change that....i need to make more efforts to try keep in touch with people....and i'm not talking bout every tom-dick-harry you come across...but about people who have changed you/influenced you....in however small a way....i'm talking bout those people who you just remember....for no good reason....except that maybe you've shared a laugh....or a cry...it could b your school peon who rang the bell early for you once in a while....or someone in college that you met while filling forms, got talking, clicked and exchanged numbers.....it could be anyone....there are no 'parameters' as to who those people might be...but every person has a set of people that they remember....for whatever (or no) reason.....and i think it' important to keep tabs on these people (and no, i don't mean that in a stalker-y way!).
i know it's difficult....and many of these people, you may not have any means of contacting them.....but you can always try....imagine how surprised (and hopefully happy) that peon will b if you went to school one day aise hi to say hi......and i know that it's not possible with everyone....but you can (at the very least) keep in touch with the people that reach out to you!

It sounds easy.....keep in touch....but it's really not.....atleast not for me....sometimes, even though i have all the means (cell phone with balance, internet, vehicle etc.), i still find it a drag to 'keep in touch'.....there are mails/messages/calls i just cannot find the time (or inclination) to respond to.....and i really need to get outta that mindset....cause that small step will go a LONG way...and in the future....if (god forbid) something goes wrong....atleast i will know that i did what i could....and it'll spare me the guilt, if nothing else....

P.S. This post is in memory of a friend...R.I.P. you crazyass, goofy bum!..... :')