Trying!...

i've been thinking (yes...i do that at times... :p).....or more accurately, i've been forced to think....by an annoying (but well meaning....and supremely adorable) individual....bout a certain aspect of my life that i have so far blissfully managed to suppress, repress and wrestle into a deep, dark abyss....the dreaded 'C' word.....*faux scary music here*....CAREER....AAARGH!....

i mean its not like i've never thought bout it...but i've never given it thought...and yes...there IS a difference...so anyway...words like career, corporate etc. have flitted through my mind...but i don think i've ever sat down and tried to chart out a plan....i mean i did....but that was AEONS ago...and anyway...those plans got totally screwed up...so now i'm headed in a totally different direction...

Admittedly...i'm not in a field i completely loathe...but i am stuck in a rut...in terms of the type of work....and the people....oh god, the people!... :O

Maybe i've been really unlucky...or i'm overreacting...because even though i've always believed in a state of existence where if you did wot you were supposed to do then you're pretty much left alone...i've always known that there was bound to be crap (i'm not that much of an idealist!)... but SO much of it?....and SO many varied versions?!...

Let me elaborate (without getting into specifics!).... 

Firstly, there's the 'Authority Figure'...who thinks he/she is the all-knowing god/goddess of awesome-ness...complete with the (pseudo)'intellectual' demeanor and an oily coat of 'trendy-ness'...*shivers*....it isn't just astounding...it's disheartening...that not only do people with such little substance have such large delusions of grandeur...but also that they are in a position of power (either because they come from money or they're REALLY good at sucking up)...it kinda makes one lose faith in talent, knowledge and the merit of doing actual work...and it doesn't end with incompetency...which can be, to an extent, dealt with...it escalates to objectification and the lack of respect..."i pay you, so i own you"...that kinda mentality gets one nowhere...it kills respect...it kills any kind of drive and proactive-ness...n it breeds resentment...

Then you have the office 'Game-ers'...n no...and i don't mean those harmless souls who are skilled at dodging bullets/jumping over hazards/speeding through traffic/whatever it is that they do in an alternate realm of virtual reality...i'm talking bout those two-faced creeps who play very real, very under-handed 'games' at the workplace...n while most of them are really easy to identify...some of them...are tricky blighters...

i like to call them the 'Dents'....you know, like Harvey Dent...two-faced they are!...and with an impeccable veneer of 'nice-ness'...they trick you into believing they're on your side...earn your trust...make you feel like they're looking out for you....so you go outta your way to help 'em...stick your neck out fer them....and wen the time comes...*BAM*....before you know it...you're thrown under the bus...what a lovely thank you!...

i could go on and on about the diverse range of exasperating, frustrating army of characters the corporate world has to offer...like the 'Lollypops' who are good-for-nothing, sickly sweet suck ups...and the 'Holier-Than-Thou's, my name for super stuck up jackasses...or the earth-shatteringly slow 'Dumbelles'...and the annoying 'YouDo's who, like their name says, fob off all their work on u...

But i have to admit, there has been a teensy amount of good too (with a stress on 'teensy')...i mean i've met people who've absolutely personified patience (a quality that i desperately need to acquire) in the face of complete BS...people who've burnt the proverbial 'midnight oil' with a passion that i can only dream about...people who've shown incredible restraint in insanely crappy situations...and people who've been kind enough to sift through the clutter to find some semblance of merit in me (which i am very grateful for!)...

It mite sound like a lot of good people right there...but you have to understand that i'm not referring to different individuals in relation to different characteristics in the previous para...i'm talking bout just one or maybe two people who, at various points of time, have shown slivers of those qualities...slivers, mind you, not even the whole deal...

anyway...what i've realized is this...despite all my raving and ranting...and proactive measures (fuelled by self-preservation, though they might be)...nothing is going to change...and unless i learn to accept it...i'm going to turn into an (even more) bitter individual...and end up wasting my life being unhappy...and penniless...and maybe friendless as well (cause who likes whiny, bitter people, right?)...

so i'm trying...trying not to let these trying people try my peace of mind...can't say i'm successful yet...but like i said...i'm trying...

the fine line between love and hate.....

Have you ever had something you love turn into something you despise because of sheer repetition?....i mean people say that when they love something...when they're really passionate bout something....they could do it forever....

FOREVER?!...that's a long bloody time...and i don think i can ever do one thing forever and love it....and let me clarify....i'm talking bout jobs here...something you do for a livelihood...when i'm forced to do something ...when something becomes an obligation/responsibility (like a job!)...i instantly develop a dislike (or at least a healthy distaste) for it...even if it is something that i've loved doing all my life...

So i don't understand...have i not found my passion yet...or am i just built to hate work?....

Allow me to elaborate...reading has always been something i've loved doing....but the second a book becomes part of 'work'...you know...like a part of my syllabus or something ..reading the book (which i would've probably loved under different circumstances) becomes a drag...similarly...i love to write....and normally...words just flow...but when i'm forced to do it....as a part of my job...suddenly its all like 'whoa! roadblock!'...i need to literally wring my brain dry to come up with even the basic-est of lines!.....*AAAAARGH*....


Which is why my blog is updated so intermittently....cause keeping a blog up-to-date is sorta, well, like a job!...and one that doesn't really pay at that (materialistically i mean)!...so after an initial burst of activity...my enthusiasm wears off....and my poor li'l blog stagnates....yes, i know...stagnates is a harsh, strong word....but imma use it here...can't sugarcoat my online inactivity anymore...


*sigh*...i guess sometimes in life you need to force yourself to do things that you don't really want to...but the problem is...i don't wanna risk developing a distaste for the things i love to do...so does this mean that i should pick a career doing something that i dislike already and hope that i don't self-destruct?...or should i stick to doing something i love....and hope that the initial ennui/dislike/put negative emotion of your choice here, fades away....the question, though, is....WILL it fade?!!.....*sigh*....

words....

Oh, Mario
Sit here by the window
Stay here 'til we reach Idaho
And when we go, hold my hand on take-off
Tell me what I already know
That we can't talk about it
No, we can't talk about it
Because nobody knows, that's how I nearly fell
Trading clothes and ringing Pavlov's Bell
History shows there's not a chance in hell
But, oh, Mario
We're only to Ohio
It's kinda getting harder to breathe
I won't let it show
I'm all about denial
But can't denial let me believe
And we could talk about it
But he can't talk about it
Because nobody knows, that's how I nearly fell
Trading clothes and ringing Pavlov's Bell
History shows but rarely shows it well
Well, well, well
Oh, Mario,
Why if this is nothing
I'm finding it's so hard to dismiss
If you're what I need
Then only you can save me
So come on baby give me the fix
And let's just talk about it
I've got to talk about it
Because nobody knows, that's how I nearly fell
Trading clothes and ringing Pavlov's Bell
History shows like it was show and tell
So tell me...
That's how I nearly fell...
By ringing Pavlov's bell...
So, baby, show and tell...
Oh, Mario, Mario

----

These lyrics are from the song 'Pavlov's Bell' by Aimee Mann.....Buffy soundtrack....brilliant show...brilliant singer....Aimee Mann has this really interesting voice....deep...with lovely hints of smoke...and, surprisingly, some high-ish tones that i'm generally not fond of....but it sounds good when she does it!

She's a guitarist and bassist...and often comes up with ambiguous/interpretative lyrics...this is one of her songs that i found especially interpretative....its capable of meaning different things to different people...it could be bout a drug addiction...or an eating disorder....some people interpret it as being bout a change in her outlook towards music and fan reactions....some people think its about relationships & the roles you play in them....my personal interpretation is that this song's bout 'taboo' feelings that people condition themselves to, umm, skirt around...an 'ignore-it-and-it'll-go-away' thought process...but not talking bout it rarely makes anything go away...it usually just makes things worse...

So anyway...all this got me thinking...bout perspectives....and 'schemas'....and how where you come from, what you've grown up with, affects how you think....i mean, the words are the same....but how they're interpreted depends on individual life experiences....

Which is why i love dealing with words.....words allow you to hide in plain sight...i can say something ..and it can mean what its supposed to mean only to me....and a select few....and this happens because words can be ambiguous....open to interpretation....you expect them to mean something ..but when taken outta one context and put into another, they could mean something else entirely....certain set of words are perceived as harsh...and other words, that essentially mean the same thing, can be gentle n soothing.....

And that is wot makes dealing with words complicated.....the interpretation part of it....you start out wanting to say something ...and it ends up getting misconstrued....no matter how plainly, simply & directly you put things...People have the freedom to perceive it as they see fit...

People can deliberately misinterpret....or...their perception can be unwittingly coloured by their life's experiences...the difference between the two is subtle....and when you do understand to tell which is which....that is when you can get some real communication going....or alternatively....understand that there's no scope to get through!

happy(?) new year....

So basically...i am just not gonna say when i'll rite next....cause *ha ha* i never stick to it.....you can call it laziness...or busy-ness....but honestly....i think it was just the lack of things to say....

Lemme rephrase that...its the lack of things with consequence to say....i mean, i just feel like i'm not accomplishing anything by writing or saying what's on my mind....who's listening anyway?.....but then i realized...that just cause i think no one's listening....doesn't mean that no one is actually listening...and even if that were the case...it shouldn't stop me from writing, no?

Now that i've sorted that out....lets get down to business....i think that i said i'd talk 'bout conditioning in my next blog...and i honestly did all the 'research work' that i wanted to...but by the time i was done with the 'research' i forgot the 'connect' bit of it....and by 'connect' i mean what originally got me thinking 'bout Pavlov's bell and conditioning....the 'germ' of an idea that usually translates into a blog....so what i got left with, was a whole lot of scientific mumbo jumbo and no 'feel'....so that idea is shelved...for now...till i recall what originally made me reflect on the topic.....

i've a tendency to do that you no....forget stuff....i'm kinda like Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter in that way...absent-minded...flitty-floaty....but i always have some reason (logic even!) for what i say, what i do & how i think....no matter how random it may seem....more often than not, the logic/reasoning is obscure and i rarely (if ever) do manage to put it across in words ...n even if i did manage to somewhat put it in words (or feelings or actions) it still doesn't mean that people will understand it....so....that's that....

The reason this whole 'reason' thing (see what i did there with the words :p ) came up is because, well, the last coupla weeks of the last year have seen me in a never before role....of someone who makes and sticks to hard, but necessary, decisions!....i dunno if they're the rite decisions...but they've been monumental for me...and no matter what the outcome...i know that i had the courage to take decisions that are (possibly) rite (for me)....and for someone who has always shied away from doing anything that upsets the 'normal flow' of things or 'status quo'....well, lets just say i'm proud o' me!

This might not make sense to many people (ha! like that's a surprise!)....it might even seem downright foolhardy....but this was an important milestone for me in terms of character building....i know now that i am capable of phenomenal strength....i'm not afraid of being alone/lonely/without support!

In the past 2 months....i've made decisions on impulse....something i've never been able to do before....i've never been able to be spontaneous or all 'in the moment'....cause of certain self created mental blocks....and overcoming those has been very liberating to say the least....i always believed (still do) that thoughtless actions can be harmful...but i think i've been thinking too much bout things...and maybe i've lost sum of my potential 'defining' moments because of it....and i'm tired of losing moments....but thankfully....so far, so good....i'm still going to think bout things...but i won't over analyze them like i used to.....

so here's to the new controlled-impulsive me!.....and yes...i do realize 'controlled-impulsive' is an oxymoron....but that's how it is folks....i'm pretty much entirely a contradiction.....and i like it like that!... :)

'highs'.... :p

So...here i am....trying to keep up my resolve to write more...i haven't been as regular as id've liked to be...i mean its been a coupla weeks since i wrote last....but i really am trying....i mean i'm definitely thinking more bout writing....but it seems like it does take me a while to translate those 'thoughts' into action....
A-ne-way (that's an 'anyway' wit a sigh :p)....my main reason, or rather, excuse, for the procrastination was that i needed to do 'research' on a certain idea....in my head....bout conditioning....n the whole Pavlov's Bell syndrome.....but i couldn't (read: wouldn't) find time....big surprise there!....so like all my other posts...this one's going be off the top o' my head as well....
i don't think i've mentioned my love for music before, have i?....probably cause i'd kinda eased off on listening to music....eased off in comparison to my school and early college days...cause from maybe the 7th grade till my 2nd year of BA i was practically attached, at the earlier stages, to my 'deck' (those almost obsolete tape+CD players)....progressed to a walkman....and then my iPod... :P ....i mean seriously...during my 11th and 12th...you would hardly ever find me w/o headphones around my neck (or on my ears)....but for some reason...i'd stopped listening to music quite so much after my 2nd year....lack of time maybe?!...who knows....but anyway....even though i was not as involved wit my iPod...it was still the 1st thing i turn to whenever i was low....music helped me ease my angst....mellow my senses....and basically gimme an INCREDIBLE high....
Many people ask me why i don't drink or smoke up and stuff....don't i want to feel the 'buzz'?...and i think to myself that i have my music...and it truly gives me a high like no other...it's my cocaine...and my liquor...(sounds corny, but its true)...and i can get addicted to it and there'd b no side effects...except maybe temporary deaf-ness....which i think i can deal with (in fact, temporary deaf-ness can be quite welcome at times! :p)....so anyway, of late i have 'rediscovered' my addiction...so my iPod's been getting a nice li'l workout almost everyday for the past couple of weeks... :)
Another source of euphoria for me is my dancing....my disciplined and rigid, yet beautifully yielding mistress...when i'm dancing, i feel SO goddamn beautiful!...when i get a step right...all the hard work i put in...the aching bones & tired flesh, and the irritation that is a result of the two, seem to disappear...all the pain seems totally worth it...to perform a dance (almost) flawlessly is a feeling that beats all other kinds of 'highs' n 'buzzes' for me....it's seriously addictive!

There was this one phase where i couldn't dance for a year cause i'd torn a ligament...and believe me...it was SO hard for me to not dance...despite the fact that my heel hurt like a b*tch the minute i took a stance, it still took all my willpower to stop myself from getting up and dancing.

Imma let you in on something majorly embarrassing here, sometimes my withdrawal symptoms get so bad that i HAVE to dance (maybe just a coupla steps or jus sway...SOME form of dance!) 

Whether it's the middle of the night or i'm in class. (:P) a song starts playin in my head...and my feet move of their own accord...there've been times when i've rushed to the loo in the middle of class just to get the 'dance' out..... :)
i think every should have something that gives them a 'high' w/o any (potentially) dangerous side effects or 'lows'...and by lows i mean hangovers and those incredibly depressive periods that i have seen all my friends who drink/smoke/smoke up experience when the 'high' starts wearing off...

i'm not talking bout the artificial (substance) induced highs....i'm talking bout those highs that YOU create within yourself...it is very important to be able to create your own happiness...it isn't easy...but it's not that tough either....'nuff said... :P
anyway....so that was bout my choice in intoxicants...think i've embarrassed myself enough for today....more on 'conditiong' next time....(hopefully!).... :)

and so....

Last week (everyone tells me) is apparently a milestone for me.....cause i started a new 'phase' in my life....i just started 'working'...full time....all grown up i've become! :O


But to tell you the truth, it still feels like i'm a kid playing a grown up's role....very very unreal.

It's not like i lack a sense of responsibility...or that i'm careless...or that i don't take my job seriously....it's just that i feel like i'm a kid....the whole situation hasn't really sunk in yet....thoughts bout cash inflows and career graphs haven't started worrying me much.....yet....

The only thing that (to an extent) makes the whole situation seem real is a niggling doubt that's there in the back of my mind...will i reach my potential?....do i even have the 'potential' that everyone seems to see in me?....and do they really see potential or is everyone just biased?......*sigh*....confounded musings of a convoluted mind.....


Anyway....that apart....i've been reading a book bout a certain mythological character....lets call her D...very interesting piece of literature....the insights into the human psyche that this book gave me, especially into D's psyche, kinda left me a little shaky...cause apparently, i think a lot like Ms D....and that is something i'm not sure i should be proud of....so i guess that's one thing i need to work on.....

Another thing i've realised is the fact that i have practically zero will power when it comes to most areas of my life.....and i have a great love of gratification which supersedes all my other 'moral' values (even if i may have very few), codes and belief systems....which is a terrible terrible thing!

what i mean by this is that i'm extremely self indulgent....i tend to look at what makes me happy 'now'....and take the easy way out.....and it could be something as small as not letting mom watch something cause my favourite show is on.......i'm not too happy or proud of it.....but acceptance is the 1st step towards cure, right?!

Well, i sure hope so...i need to learn to balance pleasure and responsibility....learn to sacrifice a few of my indulgences....and control my 'needs'...cause this habit of mine could lead to my ruin.....i could lose out on my relationships (family & friends)....hurt people who mean the world to me....and basically make my life (and others' ) miserable for those few moments of temporary pleasure....

Cause they are temporary.....the whole feeling of bliss disappears cause of the 'aftereffects' (read: upsetting people).....so what's the point of it, then?.....

GUILTY.........

So here i am....back after another sabbatical....and the reason for my return is not such a good one.....


Writing has always been my way of letting it all out....it helps me clear my mind....put things into perspective....it basically acts like a 'flush-er', getting rid of all my 'excess baggage' of the emotional kind (although there have been SO many times i've wished i could do that with the physical baggage as well!).....but anyway....i haven't been writing much lately....cause i've grown.....and not just age-wise....but also (i'd like to think) maturity-wise.....

When i was younger....and greener...and new to experiences...there were a LOT more things that got me riled up to the point that my feelings boiled over...not just bad feelings, there was a lot of good as well...But basically, i used to feel VERY VERY strongly bout things....and i needed to react instantly....like NOW!!!.....and the only way i could do that was through my writing!

As i've grown.....seen more....been through more.....i've learned to take my time to react....and what i've realised is that when i take that extra time to think...my reactions were more controlled....thinking calmly bout things lessened their impact on my psyche....exuberance became a calm happiness...depression beacme a mellow sadness...and there were very few exceptional spikes or dips in my emotions....and when emotions retained their intensity even after calm reflection, that's when I knew that they're something worth reacting to...

But anyway, reflecting curbed that initial wave of emotion & thoughts before it could be spewed...and that's probably why my URGE to write just went away.....

i know i've attributed the 'non-writing' to my laziness plenty of times....but i'm the kinda person who WILL do something if the urge takes over....and when i've made up my mind about something or even if i'm in the mood for something....I surprise myself at how un-lazy i can be!

The bottomline though is that i NEED to 'restart' (& continue) writing...cause it's something i LOVE to do....and i shouldn't let that go....

i've a terrible habit of procrastinating ...saying i'll do 'X'thing tomorrow...or i'll meet Y-person soon....or i'll write that mail later....or that i'll start blogging regularly once i get a job.....at my age....it's easy to assume that there will b a tomorrow....but that isn't true....
The past week has made me realize that taking people (and things) for granted is possibly the worst thing i can do....nothing is going to be around forever....no one is going to be around forever...

When you have a chance to interact with people...you should and not make excuses or delay things....assuming that there'll be another opportunity...when someone calls & asks you to meet them, you should....even if it is just fer a bit....especially if that person is/has been important in your life.....in any way.....

It's easy to meet new people....and it's easy (for me) to make new friends....but i've noticed that i'm not very good at maintaining old friendships...and i NEED to change that....i need to make more efforts to try keep in touch with people....and i'm not talking bout every tom-dick-harry you come across...but about people who have changed you/influenced you....in however small a way....i'm talking bout those people who you just remember....for no good reason....except that maybe you've shared a laugh....or a cry...it could b your school peon who rang the bell early for you once in a while....or someone in college that you met while filling forms, got talking, clicked and exchanged numbers.....it could be anyone....there are no 'parameters' as to who those people might be...but every person has a set of people that they remember....for whatever (or no) reason.....and i think it' important to keep tabs on these people (and no, i don't mean that in a stalker-y way!).
i know it's difficult....and many of these people, you may not have any means of contacting them.....but you can always try....imagine how surprised (and hopefully happy) that peon will b if you went to school one day aise hi to say hi......and i know that it's not possible with everyone....but you can (at the very least) keep in touch with the people that reach out to you!

It sounds easy.....keep in touch....but it's really not.....atleast not for me....sometimes, even though i have all the means (cell phone with balance, internet, vehicle etc.), i still find it a drag to 'keep in touch'.....there are mails/messages/calls i just cannot find the time (or inclination) to respond to.....and i really need to get outta that mindset....cause that small step will go a LONG way...and in the future....if (god forbid) something goes wrong....atleast i will know that i did what i could....and it'll spare me the guilt, if nothing else....

P.S. This post is in memory of a friend...R.I.P. you crazyass, goofy bum!..... :')