#OverReact

I have a tendency to overreact. I have been told this repeatedly, by a whole bunch of people. And I admit, I do make 'mountains out of molehills', so to speak, more often than necessary. I blow things out of proportion, then work myself into a frenzy over it.

Most of the times, the things I overreact to, turn out to be non-issues. But in that state of mind, I imagine the worst possible outcomes/connotations. Then, I proceed to drive myself (and everyone around me) crazy, till the issue is resolved. But at least this meant that things got resolved. And so, I always let myself believe that my 'overreaction' was a good thing.

But what I didn't realize was the fact that I've been 'overreacting' to people as well. I've been happily creating 'best friends' and 'archenemies' on the basis of connections that didn't exist anywhere but in my head.

Because that's what you do when you overreact. You obsess. You overthink. That's how things get amplified. And you begin to see signs (positive and negative). But it's all in your head (And by your, I mean mine).

So yeah, apparently, my habit of overreacting has this side-effect of (possibly) completely fabricated social equations. Such an eye-opener, this. No wonder my 'best friends' are barely even my friends anymore. And people I thought were out to get me, turned out to be quite alright.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here. And it's not a very comforting one.

Must. Stop. Overreacting.

The Fear of Mediocrity

You know, a lot of people are held back by the fear of failure. I guess at some point of time, I might have been, too. But the fear that plagues me now, at this stage of my life, is a different one. And maybe in many ways, this one is much worse.

I'm just going to come out and say it. I'm afraid of being ordinary.

Yeah, yeah. I've heard the hype. About how being ordinary is 'ok'. But it really is not.

It's bloody scary.

It's scary to think that you're going to be stuck in a rut. Doing average things. Averagely.

It's much scarier than, say, attempting something awesome and failing at it. Cause even if you fail, you can move on to other awesome things. And you grow. And you learn.

But when you're stuck with the ordinary, there is always that chance that you succumb to mediocrity. To the 'things-are-getting-done-so-why-bother' school of thought. Once you do, you're done.

So that's scenario one. Where you get sucked in and brain-washed. Scenario two is worse. It's where your bubble goes *pop* and you land on your mediocre ass, painfully. Aware that you're forever doomed to just be, not excel.

Failure I can deal with. Because with failure, there's a chance at redemption, a chance to grow. With failure, you can still believe you can do better.

But mediocrity doesn't allow that. Mediocrity simply limits. Then it stifles. And suffocates. Till the spirit is all but gone.

Mediocrity is a disability. Something you have to fight to overcome everyday, for the rest of your life. And even if you manage to do that, there's no guarantee of your being extraordinary.

Many would argue that people who do overcome their disabilities are extraordinary for simply having done that. And yes, that is probably true.

But then, it would mean that my faith in myself was misplaced. That I have, all this while, been (to put it politely) delusional.

Knowing that would break me. Totally and irreparably. 

So yeah, I'd take failure over mediocrity any day. Unfortunately, though, mediocrity isn't really a choice.

So I'll have to wait. And watch. And keep my fingers crossed. And pray to the powers that be, that I don’t turn out to be ordinary.

Nemesism

I sat down to write today, after quite a while. Naturally, my first instinct was to open my blog...this blog. One look at it, and I am stunned by my sloth.

Not one piece of writing for an entire YEAR! Did I not have a single free hour in 365 days?! Bloody unbelievable. And utterly shameful. How can I call myself a writer when I cannot be bothered to take out even a couple of hours to sit and write something that is not 'required' of me?

My excuse so far has been 'My words run dry, I use them up at work everyday'. And then I complain about how I'm not getting anywhere. How can I expect to excel when I cannot muster the drive to write a single measly blog piece?!

It's like that joke about the guy who keeps complaining that he doesn't win the lottery...when he hasn't even bought himself a single lottery ticket in his lifetime. Except, this is not a goddamn joke! It is my life. And I'm making a mockery of it.

All these years, to get through the drudgery that my life has been, I've been telling myself that I'm meant for great things.That I'm capable of inspiring awe, if only I was given that one chance. And I probably could. But I won't know I can, till I do.

And till I do, my belief in myself amounts to nothing but absolute BS.

If I continue this way, I let everything I've made myself around, be reduced to a pile of crap. 

So, this has to end. Now.

No more excuses. No more whining. No more EXTERNALIZING.

I need to channel that rage, and direct it at myself...for making excuses, for talking big and backing it up with jackshit. I recently even came across the perfect word for that feeling. (Words have a funny way of showing up when I need them, apparently.)

That word is Nemesism. It means "frustration, anger, or aggression directed inward, toward oneself and one's way of living." And this is precisely what I need right now.

Yeah, I know. Doesn't sound very healthy. But I have a reason.

You see, if I am pissed, I'm not complacent. And when I'm not complacent, I will get shit done.

So, for now, I shall let this Nemesism fuel me. And hopefully, this fuel will light a fire. Because sometimes you need to burn things down, to build them back up. Bigger, better and stronger.

Trying!...

i've been thinking (yes...i do that at times... :p).....or more accurately, i've been forced to think....by an annoying (but well meaning....and supremely adorable) individual....bout a certain aspect of my life that i have so far blissfully managed to suppress, repress and wrestle into a deep, dark abyss....the dreaded 'C' word.....*faux scary music here*....CAREER....AAARGH!....

i mean its not like i've never thought bout it...but i've never given it thought...and yes...there IS a difference...so anyway...words like career, corporate etc. have flitted through my mind...but i don think i've ever sat down and tried to chart out a plan....i mean i did....but that was AEONS ago...and anyway...those plans got totally screwed up...so now i'm headed in a totally different direction...

Admittedly...i'm not in a field i completely loathe...but i am stuck in a rut...in terms of the type of work....and the people....oh god, the people!... :O

Maybe i've been really unlucky...or i'm overreacting...because even though i've always believed in a state of existence where if you did wot you were supposed to do then you're pretty much left alone...i've always known that there was bound to be crap (i'm not that much of an idealist!)... but SO much of it?....and SO many varied versions?!...

Let me elaborate (without getting into specifics!).... 

Firstly, there's the 'Authority Figure'...who thinks he/she is the all-knowing god/goddess of awesome-ness...complete with the (pseudo)'intellectual' demeanor and an oily coat of 'trendy-ness'...*shivers*....it isn't just astounding...it's disheartening...that not only do people with such little substance have such large delusions of grandeur...but also that they are in a position of power (either because they come from money or they're REALLY good at sucking up)...it kinda makes one lose faith in talent, knowledge and the merit of doing actual work...and it doesn't end with incompetency...which can be, to an extent, dealt with...it escalates to objectification and the lack of respect..."i pay you, so i own you"...that kinda mentality gets one nowhere...it kills respect...it kills any kind of drive and proactive-ness...n it breeds resentment...

Then you have the office 'Game-ers'...n no...and i don't mean those harmless souls who are skilled at dodging bullets/jumping over hazards/speeding through traffic/whatever it is that they do in an alternate realm of virtual reality...i'm talking bout those two-faced creeps who play very real, very under-handed 'games' at the workplace...n while most of them are really easy to identify...some of them...are tricky blighters...

i like to call them the 'Dents'....you know, like Harvey Dent...two-faced they are!...and with an impeccable veneer of 'nice-ness'...they trick you into believing they're on your side...earn your trust...make you feel like they're looking out for you....so you go outta your way to help 'em...stick your neck out fer them....and wen the time comes...*BAM*....before you know it...you're thrown under the bus...what a lovely thank you!...

i could go on and on about the diverse range of exasperating, frustrating army of characters the corporate world has to offer...like the 'Lollypops' who are good-for-nothing, sickly sweet suck ups...and the 'Holier-Than-Thou's, my name for super stuck up jackasses...or the earth-shatteringly slow 'Dumbelles'...and the annoying 'YouDo's who, like their name says, fob off all their work on u...

But i have to admit, there has been a teensy amount of good too (with a stress on 'teensy')...i mean i've met people who've absolutely personified patience (a quality that i desperately need to acquire) in the face of complete BS...people who've burnt the proverbial 'midnight oil' with a passion that i can only dream about...people who've shown incredible restraint in insanely crappy situations...and people who've been kind enough to sift through the clutter to find some semblance of merit in me (which i am very grateful for!)...

It mite sound like a lot of good people right there...but you have to understand that i'm not referring to different individuals in relation to different characteristics in the previous para...i'm talking bout just one or maybe two people who, at various points of time, have shown slivers of those qualities...slivers, mind you, not even the whole deal...

anyway...what i've realized is this...despite all my raving and ranting...and proactive measures (fuelled by self-preservation, though they might be)...nothing is going to change...and unless i learn to accept it...i'm going to turn into an (even more) bitter individual...and end up wasting my life being unhappy...and penniless...and maybe friendless as well (cause who likes whiny, bitter people, right?)...

so i'm trying...trying not to let these trying people try my peace of mind...can't say i'm successful yet...but like i said...i'm trying...

the fine line between love and hate.....

Have you ever had something you love turn into something you despise because of sheer repetition?....i mean people say that when they love something...when they're really passionate bout something....they could do it forever....

FOREVER?!...that's a long bloody time...and i don think i can ever do one thing forever and love it....and let me clarify....i'm talking bout jobs here...something you do for a livelihood...when i'm forced to do something ...when something becomes an obligation/responsibility (like a job!)...i instantly develop a dislike (or at least a healthy distaste) for it...even if it is something that i've loved doing all my life...

So i don't understand...have i not found my passion yet...or am i just built to hate work?....

Allow me to elaborate...reading has always been something i've loved doing....but the second a book becomes part of 'work'...you know...like a part of my syllabus or something ..reading the book (which i would've probably loved under different circumstances) becomes a drag...similarly...i love to write....and normally...words just flow...but when i'm forced to do it....as a part of my job...suddenly its all like 'whoa! roadblock!'...i need to literally wring my brain dry to come up with even the basic-est of lines!.....*AAAAARGH*....


Which is why my blog is updated so intermittently....cause keeping a blog up-to-date is sorta, well, like a job!...and one that doesn't really pay at that (materialistically i mean)!...so after an initial burst of activity...my enthusiasm wears off....and my poor li'l blog stagnates....yes, i know...stagnates is a harsh, strong word....but imma use it here...can't sugarcoat my online inactivity anymore...


*sigh*...i guess sometimes in life you need to force yourself to do things that you don't really want to...but the problem is...i don't wanna risk developing a distaste for the things i love to do...so does this mean that i should pick a career doing something that i dislike already and hope that i don't self-destruct?...or should i stick to doing something i love....and hope that the initial ennui/dislike/put negative emotion of your choice here, fades away....the question, though, is....WILL it fade?!!.....*sigh*....

words....

Oh, Mario
Sit here by the window
Stay here 'til we reach Idaho
And when we go, hold my hand on take-off
Tell me what I already know
That we can't talk about it
No, we can't talk about it
Because nobody knows, that's how I nearly fell
Trading clothes and ringing Pavlov's Bell
History shows there's not a chance in hell
But, oh, Mario
We're only to Ohio
It's kinda getting harder to breathe
I won't let it show
I'm all about denial
But can't denial let me believe
And we could talk about it
But he can't talk about it
Because nobody knows, that's how I nearly fell
Trading clothes and ringing Pavlov's Bell
History shows but rarely shows it well
Well, well, well
Oh, Mario,
Why if this is nothing
I'm finding it's so hard to dismiss
If you're what I need
Then only you can save me
So come on baby give me the fix
And let's just talk about it
I've got to talk about it
Because nobody knows, that's how I nearly fell
Trading clothes and ringing Pavlov's Bell
History shows like it was show and tell
So tell me...
That's how I nearly fell...
By ringing Pavlov's bell...
So, baby, show and tell...
Oh, Mario, Mario

----

These lyrics are from the song 'Pavlov's Bell' by Aimee Mann.....Buffy soundtrack....brilliant show...brilliant singer....Aimee Mann has this really interesting voice....deep...with lovely hints of smoke...and, surprisingly, some high-ish tones that i'm generally not fond of....but it sounds good when she does it!

She's a guitarist and bassist...and often comes up with ambiguous/interpretative lyrics...this is one of her songs that i found especially interpretative....its capable of meaning different things to different people...it could be bout a drug addiction...or an eating disorder....some people interpret it as being bout a change in her outlook towards music and fan reactions....some people think its about relationships & the roles you play in them....my personal interpretation is that this song's bout 'taboo' feelings that people condition themselves to, umm, skirt around...an 'ignore-it-and-it'll-go-away' thought process...but not talking bout it rarely makes anything go away...it usually just makes things worse...

So anyway...all this got me thinking...bout perspectives....and 'schemas'....and how where you come from, what you've grown up with, affects how you think....i mean, the words are the same....but how they're interpreted depends on individual life experiences....

Which is why i love dealing with words.....words allow you to hide in plain sight...i can say something ..and it can mean what its supposed to mean only to me....and a select few....and this happens because words can be ambiguous....open to interpretation....you expect them to mean something ..but when taken outta one context and put into another, they could mean something else entirely....certain set of words are perceived as harsh...and other words, that essentially mean the same thing, can be gentle n soothing.....

And that is wot makes dealing with words complicated.....the interpretation part of it....you start out wanting to say something ...and it ends up getting misconstrued....no matter how plainly, simply & directly you put things...People have the freedom to perceive it as they see fit...

People can deliberately misinterpret....or...their perception can be unwittingly coloured by their life's experiences...the difference between the two is subtle....and when you do understand to tell which is which....that is when you can get some real communication going....or alternatively....understand that there's no scope to get through!

happy(?) new year....

So basically...i am just not gonna say when i'll rite next....cause *ha ha* i never stick to it.....you can call it laziness...or busy-ness....but honestly....i think it was just the lack of things to say....

Lemme rephrase that...its the lack of things with consequence to say....i mean, i just feel like i'm not accomplishing anything by writing or saying what's on my mind....who's listening anyway?.....but then i realized...that just cause i think no one's listening....doesn't mean that no one is actually listening...and even if that were the case...it shouldn't stop me from writing, no?

Now that i've sorted that out....lets get down to business....i think that i said i'd talk 'bout conditioning in my next blog...and i honestly did all the 'research work' that i wanted to...but by the time i was done with the 'research' i forgot the 'connect' bit of it....and by 'connect' i mean what originally got me thinking 'bout Pavlov's bell and conditioning....the 'germ' of an idea that usually translates into a blog....so what i got left with, was a whole lot of scientific mumbo jumbo and no 'feel'....so that idea is shelved...for now...till i recall what originally made me reflect on the topic.....

i've a tendency to do that you no....forget stuff....i'm kinda like Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter in that way...absent-minded...flitty-floaty....but i always have some reason (logic even!) for what i say, what i do & how i think....no matter how random it may seem....more often than not, the logic/reasoning is obscure and i rarely (if ever) do manage to put it across in words ...n even if i did manage to somewhat put it in words (or feelings or actions) it still doesn't mean that people will understand it....so....that's that....

The reason this whole 'reason' thing (see what i did there with the words :p ) came up is because, well, the last coupla weeks of the last year have seen me in a never before role....of someone who makes and sticks to hard, but necessary, decisions!....i dunno if they're the rite decisions...but they've been monumental for me...and no matter what the outcome...i know that i had the courage to take decisions that are (possibly) rite (for me)....and for someone who has always shied away from doing anything that upsets the 'normal flow' of things or 'status quo'....well, lets just say i'm proud o' me!

This might not make sense to many people (ha! like that's a surprise!)....it might even seem downright foolhardy....but this was an important milestone for me in terms of character building....i know now that i am capable of phenomenal strength....i'm not afraid of being alone/lonely/without support!

In the past 2 months....i've made decisions on impulse....something i've never been able to do before....i've never been able to be spontaneous or all 'in the moment'....cause of certain self created mental blocks....and overcoming those has been very liberating to say the least....i always believed (still do) that thoughtless actions can be harmful...but i think i've been thinking too much bout things...and maybe i've lost sum of my potential 'defining' moments because of it....and i'm tired of losing moments....but thankfully....so far, so good....i'm still going to think bout things...but i won't over analyze them like i used to.....

so here's to the new controlled-impulsive me!.....and yes...i do realize 'controlled-impulsive' is an oxymoron....but that's how it is folks....i'm pretty much entirely a contradiction.....and i like it like that!... :)