'highs'.... :p

So...here i am....trying to keep up my resolve to write more...i haven't been as regular as id've liked to be...i mean its been a coupla weeks since i wrote last....but i really am trying....i mean i'm definitely thinking more bout writing....but it seems like it does take me a while to translate those 'thoughts' into action....
A-ne-way (that's an 'anyway' wit a sigh :p)....my main reason, or rather, excuse, for the procrastination was that i needed to do 'research' on a certain idea....in my head....bout conditioning....n the whole Pavlov's Bell syndrome.....but i couldn't (read: wouldn't) find time....big surprise there!....so like all my other posts...this one's going be off the top o' my head as well....
i don't think i've mentioned my love for music before, have i?....probably cause i'd kinda eased off on listening to music....eased off in comparison to my school and early college days...cause from maybe the 7th grade till my 2nd year of BA i was practically attached, at the earlier stages, to my 'deck' (those almost obsolete tape+CD players)....progressed to a walkman....and then my iPod... :P ....i mean seriously...during my 11th and 12th...you would hardly ever find me w/o headphones around my neck (or on my ears)....but for some reason...i'd stopped listening to music quite so much after my 2nd year....lack of time maybe?!...who knows....but anyway....even though i was not as involved wit my iPod...it was still the 1st thing i turn to whenever i was low....music helped me ease my angst....mellow my senses....and basically gimme an INCREDIBLE high....
Many people ask me why i don't drink or smoke up and stuff....don't i want to feel the 'buzz'?...and i think to myself that i have my music...and it truly gives me a high like no other...it's my cocaine...and my liquor...(sounds corny, but its true)...and i can get addicted to it and there'd b no side effects...except maybe temporary deaf-ness....which i think i can deal with (in fact, temporary deaf-ness can be quite welcome at times! :p)....so anyway, of late i have 'rediscovered' my addiction...so my iPod's been getting a nice li'l workout almost everyday for the past couple of weeks... :)
Another source of euphoria for me is my dancing....my disciplined and rigid, yet beautifully yielding mistress...when i'm dancing, i feel SO goddamn beautiful!...when i get a step right...all the hard work i put in...the aching bones & tired flesh, and the irritation that is a result of the two, seem to disappear...all the pain seems totally worth it...to perform a dance (almost) flawlessly is a feeling that beats all other kinds of 'highs' n 'buzzes' for me....it's seriously addictive!

There was this one phase where i couldn't dance for a year cause i'd torn a ligament...and believe me...it was SO hard for me to not dance...despite the fact that my heel hurt like a b*tch the minute i took a stance, it still took all my willpower to stop myself from getting up and dancing.

Imma let you in on something majorly embarrassing here, sometimes my withdrawal symptoms get so bad that i HAVE to dance (maybe just a coupla steps or jus sway...SOME form of dance!) 

Whether it's the middle of the night or i'm in class. (:P) a song starts playin in my head...and my feet move of their own accord...there've been times when i've rushed to the loo in the middle of class just to get the 'dance' out..... :)
i think every should have something that gives them a 'high' w/o any (potentially) dangerous side effects or 'lows'...and by lows i mean hangovers and those incredibly depressive periods that i have seen all my friends who drink/smoke/smoke up experience when the 'high' starts wearing off...

i'm not talking bout the artificial (substance) induced highs....i'm talking bout those highs that YOU create within yourself...it is very important to be able to create your own happiness...it isn't easy...but it's not that tough either....'nuff said... :P
anyway....so that was bout my choice in intoxicants...think i've embarrassed myself enough for today....more on 'conditiong' next time....(hopefully!).... :)

and so....

Last week (everyone tells me) is apparently a milestone for me.....cause i started a new 'phase' in my life....i just started 'working'...full time....all grown up i've become! :O


But to tell you the truth, it still feels like i'm a kid playing a grown up's role....very very unreal.

It's not like i lack a sense of responsibility...or that i'm careless...or that i don't take my job seriously....it's just that i feel like i'm a kid....the whole situation hasn't really sunk in yet....thoughts bout cash inflows and career graphs haven't started worrying me much.....yet....

The only thing that (to an extent) makes the whole situation seem real is a niggling doubt that's there in the back of my mind...will i reach my potential?....do i even have the 'potential' that everyone seems to see in me?....and do they really see potential or is everyone just biased?......*sigh*....confounded musings of a convoluted mind.....


Anyway....that apart....i've been reading a book bout a certain mythological character....lets call her D...very interesting piece of literature....the insights into the human psyche that this book gave me, especially into D's psyche, kinda left me a little shaky...cause apparently, i think a lot like Ms D....and that is something i'm not sure i should be proud of....so i guess that's one thing i need to work on.....

Another thing i've realised is the fact that i have practically zero will power when it comes to most areas of my life.....and i have a great love of gratification which supersedes all my other 'moral' values (even if i may have very few), codes and belief systems....which is a terrible terrible thing!

what i mean by this is that i'm extremely self indulgent....i tend to look at what makes me happy 'now'....and take the easy way out.....and it could be something as small as not letting mom watch something cause my favourite show is on.......i'm not too happy or proud of it.....but acceptance is the 1st step towards cure, right?!

Well, i sure hope so...i need to learn to balance pleasure and responsibility....learn to sacrifice a few of my indulgences....and control my 'needs'...cause this habit of mine could lead to my ruin.....i could lose out on my relationships (family & friends)....hurt people who mean the world to me....and basically make my life (and others' ) miserable for those few moments of temporary pleasure....

Cause they are temporary.....the whole feeling of bliss disappears cause of the 'aftereffects' (read: upsetting people).....so what's the point of it, then?.....

GUILTY.........

So here i am....back after another sabbatical....and the reason for my return is not such a good one.....


Writing has always been my way of letting it all out....it helps me clear my mind....put things into perspective....it basically acts like a 'flush-er', getting rid of all my 'excess baggage' of the emotional kind (although there have been SO many times i've wished i could do that with the physical baggage as well!).....but anyway....i haven't been writing much lately....cause i've grown.....and not just age-wise....but also (i'd like to think) maturity-wise.....

When i was younger....and greener...and new to experiences...there were a LOT more things that got me riled up to the point that my feelings boiled over...not just bad feelings, there was a lot of good as well...But basically, i used to feel VERY VERY strongly bout things....and i needed to react instantly....like NOW!!!.....and the only way i could do that was through my writing!

As i've grown.....seen more....been through more.....i've learned to take my time to react....and what i've realised is that when i take that extra time to think...my reactions were more controlled....thinking calmly bout things lessened their impact on my psyche....exuberance became a calm happiness...depression beacme a mellow sadness...and there were very few exceptional spikes or dips in my emotions....and when emotions retained their intensity even after calm reflection, that's when I knew that they're something worth reacting to...

But anyway, reflecting curbed that initial wave of emotion & thoughts before it could be spewed...and that's probably why my URGE to write just went away.....

i know i've attributed the 'non-writing' to my laziness plenty of times....but i'm the kinda person who WILL do something if the urge takes over....and when i've made up my mind about something or even if i'm in the mood for something....I surprise myself at how un-lazy i can be!

The bottomline though is that i NEED to 'restart' (& continue) writing...cause it's something i LOVE to do....and i shouldn't let that go....

i've a terrible habit of procrastinating ...saying i'll do 'X'thing tomorrow...or i'll meet Y-person soon....or i'll write that mail later....or that i'll start blogging regularly once i get a job.....at my age....it's easy to assume that there will b a tomorrow....but that isn't true....
The past week has made me realize that taking people (and things) for granted is possibly the worst thing i can do....nothing is going to be around forever....no one is going to be around forever...

When you have a chance to interact with people...you should and not make excuses or delay things....assuming that there'll be another opportunity...when someone calls & asks you to meet them, you should....even if it is just fer a bit....especially if that person is/has been important in your life.....in any way.....

It's easy to meet new people....and it's easy (for me) to make new friends....but i've noticed that i'm not very good at maintaining old friendships...and i NEED to change that....i need to make more efforts to try keep in touch with people....and i'm not talking bout every tom-dick-harry you come across...but about people who have changed you/influenced you....in however small a way....i'm talking bout those people who you just remember....for no good reason....except that maybe you've shared a laugh....or a cry...it could b your school peon who rang the bell early for you once in a while....or someone in college that you met while filling forms, got talking, clicked and exchanged numbers.....it could be anyone....there are no 'parameters' as to who those people might be...but every person has a set of people that they remember....for whatever (or no) reason.....and i think it' important to keep tabs on these people (and no, i don't mean that in a stalker-y way!).
i know it's difficult....and many of these people, you may not have any means of contacting them.....but you can always try....imagine how surprised (and hopefully happy) that peon will b if you went to school one day aise hi to say hi......and i know that it's not possible with everyone....but you can (at the very least) keep in touch with the people that reach out to you!

It sounds easy.....keep in touch....but it's really not.....atleast not for me....sometimes, even though i have all the means (cell phone with balance, internet, vehicle etc.), i still find it a drag to 'keep in touch'.....there are mails/messages/calls i just cannot find the time (or inclination) to respond to.....and i really need to get outta that mindset....cause that small step will go a LONG way...and in the future....if (god forbid) something goes wrong....atleast i will know that i did what i could....and it'll spare me the guilt, if nothing else....

P.S. This post is in memory of a friend...R.I.P. you crazyass, goofy bum!..... :')

back to square one....

And so...after a long sabbatical....i'm back....and this time....i'm not even going to try to tell myself that i'll be regular...cause i know i won't....

A lot of new things have happened over the past few months....new friendships revived....impressions revised....new connections....some memorable....some not so much....some good....some not so good....

It feels good to rekindle old relationships....and by relationships i mean friendships/kinships/acquaintances/family bonds....wherever people are involved....It's nice to reconnect with people that you've lost touch with over the years....it's like getting a new hold on your roots....on what you were....and, at the same time, growing & forging mature relationships....cause these people from your past are the ones who knew what you were....and they'll b able to tell what has changed (if anything)....and they are the one's who'll appreciate those tiny changes that everyone undergoes over time....

Believe me....even those tiny changes take effort....when you realise, as you grow up, what you were doing wrong, and make conscious efforts to change those aspects, it feels good to have someone acknowledge those changes....however silently.... :)

It feels good to get ova those 'barriers' that existed earlier.....and get a glimpse of a whole new person that you never expected to find underneath it all....it makes you glad that you took the risk....the risk of approaching the ex-'unapproachable's (:p)....the risk of being turned away....and not being acknowledged....you know, like when you wave at someone you know in public and they don't wave back?!

But what happens when, at the end of it all, you've 'uncovered' something wonderful....but it all comes crumbling down?....walls go back up again ( for whatever reasons, because these things are complicated!)....facades & masks fall back into place.....and you're back where you started....back to square one.

It's disappointing....and frustrating...do you keep trying?....or just let go?....knowing what lies behind the concrete & stones....all the awesome camaraderie....the matching frequencies....knowing that could potentially be something good & true....makes it SUPER hard to give up....but then again....what's the point of trying, you're mind rationalizes....cause every time those walls break, new ones get put up....

but as y'all (should) know by now.....i'm not one to rationalize.... :p


So i'll just keep trying....and maybe some day....those walls will fall down and STAY down!....and hopefully no 'complications' will arise....

tabula rasa...

Just a few days ago, i came across this term, 'tabula rāsa,' after quite a while....and in a very unexpected context!...apparently there's a joint with the name in Delhi...i wonder why they would name a lounge 'Tabula Rāsa'?!....cause the phrase by itself has a really interesting meaning...it has its origins in Latin...tabula rāsa = blank slate (tabula = tablet & rāsa = feminine of rāsus = erased)....in human beings....it refers to a state where a person is unmarked by experiences....a 'virgin state of mind', so to speak....does this mean that people who come to this lounge come with the intention of starting off on a new note?....hmm...
sometimes i wish i could do the same....start over....with a clean slate....'tabula rāsa'...

The first time i came across this term was when i was in school (class 8 or 9)....tabula rāsa was the name of a 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' episode...i am a HUGE Buffy TV series fan btw....the first ever Buffy episode i saw was titled 'Witch'....i started watching it wen i was in class 7...and right from day one, i was hooked....obsessed, rather....Buffy used to be aired on Star World every Thursday....there was a new episode at 5 pm, a repeat at 9 the same night and then again at 8 am the next day morning....And on sunday again at 12pm....So, if i happened to miss the 5 pm and 9 pm broadcast, i used to actually bunk school to watch it the next day morning (cause my school began at 9 am)....and i used to watch it on Sunday as well...my parents tried to make me go to school a coupla times....but then i was a VERY adamant child.....


Anyway...going back to tabula rāsa....like i said....there was a Buffy episode by that name (season 6, episode 8)....and the title fit the episode's story perfectly....What happened in that episode was that Willow (Buffy's best friend and Sunnydale's resident witch) cast an amnesia spell by mistake....she meant to cast the spell only on Tara and Buffy, but it ends up casting a spell over all the characters...so they all wake up with no idea as to who they are....this leads to a lot of problems (du-uh!)....but more interestingly...it also kinda gives the viewers an idea of how the stories & characters could have been...like a parallel universe....

The episode made me think (like SO many things do!) about how it would be if i couldd start over....things couldd be SO different....i mean, we build relationships and bonds over YEARS...but what if i met the people i know not when i actually met them, but now, after i've gone through so many changes and am a completely different person than what i was...would we still forge the same kind of relationships we have today?....or would we have entirely different equations?....and could some extremely incompatible relationships actually work out now?....its something to think about, no?.....

Our experiences tend to create biases in our minds...and it's those biases that create or destroy relationships....if those experiences didn't exist (or happened later/earlier), the consequences could be surprising....

But it's also true, i guess, that experiences make us who we are...so it would be unfair to erase it all....a case of selective 'tabula rāsa', anyone? :p

a string of (possibly) unrelated thoughts......

Today has been a REALLY tiring n boring day....i had a string of awfully mundane classes....which also included one awesomely 'inspiring' lecture....in the sense that it was SO bad, that it 'inspired' today's tirade!....actually a better word would be 'incited'....cause Mr Supreme Bore's lectures are always bad....but today's lecture was the proverbial 'straw on the camel's back'!

This man is teaching us a subject that he himself claims to know nothing about....apparently, he's 'learning' with us!....what sense does that make??....and ok, i can give the guy a break if he taught the subject in a comprehensible manner....but from the way he 'teaches', he seems to lack even the basic knowledge of the subject required to relate one point to another....in fact, cause of him, i've forgotten/jumbled up what i already knew about the topic!.....and if he's new to the subject, on wot basis is he qualified to grade students' work?.....how can a 'professor' who's teaching a professional course be SO inexperienced and ignorant about the subject that he teaches?!
.
No offence to Mr Supreme Bore, my problem is not with him....it's with the system that has forced him to teach a subject that he has no clue about!....he's pretty knowledgeable and experienced when it comes to current affairs & quite a few other aspects of journalism....so why is he being forced to impart knowledge about a topic that he is unfamiliar with?.....is it that since he's on the institution's payroll he needs to have some 'work' to do?!....cause it certainly seems that way.....

The institution could hire someone experienced to teach, but they will not....because it will increase their 'expenses'....and they r not 'funded' enough to be able to afford better teachers.....And it's not only in the case of the faculty that this excuse is used.....the same excuse is also used for the lack of infrastructure....i mean, if you're seriously lacking funds, then increase the fees!....i'm sure the students won't mind a slight hike in fees if they get better infrastructure and faculty!

This whole education system of ours always gets me very worked up...there are SO many gaping flaws in the system....so many loopholes that have been carefully created and integrated into the system....and yet, we let the farce continue....all of us (including me) complain about it, but do nothing....and it irritates me even more cause i know that even if we try, none of us 'aam janta' can actually make a difference.....

Yes yes....i know you're probably thinking, "If we want to, we can make a difference! It's only the matter of putting in the effort"...but honestly, no matter HOW much effort you put in, is it really going to usher in a change in the system?....not just the educational system....i'm talking about any system...be it a governmental or social one!

It's easy to say that  we can make a difference....call me a cynic, but such things happen only in an idyllic, Utopian world!....it's all hunky dory in concept, just like all the economic theories that i learnt during my post-graduation, which are true only in the case of 'perfect competition' - a fictional state of affairs!.....they just don't work out right when you actually apply them to real life.....

In the same way, this whole notion of bringing about a change in anything (other than yourself), let alone a system or the world, seems futile...

i'm the kind. who will change myself, or condition myself, to fit into/cope with a situation that i don't particularly like (even if it is after LOADS & LOADS of complaining!)....In fact, i just proved my point...cause after all this ranting, i'm feeling quite placated....not even half as disgruntled as i was when i began this rant....And when i think bout it, i'm pretty sure that most people are like me....cause in the end, it's comparatively SO much easier to change yourself than to change your surroundings...

When in Rome, do as Romans do....and if you don't wanna do what Romans do, you have two choices - 1. stay in Rome & do what you want, but be prepared to be trampled upon and ostracized by the Romans OR 2. Shift to Greece....or Spain....or wherever it is you think you'll get to do wot you want to do.... :p

See, i believe that, in this world, everything and everyone has a place....and they've been allotted that particular place because of their 'karma'....so do what you've been put in this world to do.....don't take on more than you can handle.....and if you really are meant to change the world....you'll do it without having to contrive it!

epiphanies....

i'm so glad i started writing here again.....cause i just realised that i have more to say than i would've guessed....in fact, there are quite a few 'epiphanies' that came to me just bout 2 mins ago! :p

i HATE being told wot to do over and over again.....even more than that, i HATE it when people assume/presume that i intended to say/do something that they think is 'wrong'...and when they make such assumptions & voice their brilliant 'deductions', it actually drives me to do the 'wrong' thing, even if i had previously decided to make a different choice....

Confusing?....it isn't really....you would probably understand if i gave you the context/reason for today's dose of ranting.... what happened is my mom wanted me to visit my granny's place today evening for the 'Satyanarayan pooja' that they're having there as a part of the ongoing the Ganesh festival....and i had already made plans to go out in the morning....with friends.....so i go out...with her 'blessings'....and happened to come home a li'l late (by her standards).....so she's all pissed off....sensing one of her 'lectures' coming on, i asked her "so when are we leaving?".....and that starts her off...."i'm leaving in half an hour!!!... *pissed off stare* ...you go out in the morning and come in late (Ok, so i got a li'l delayed! i get it!)  & now you don even want to come to amamma's (that means 'mother's mother' in Malayalam) place..." 

?????? Hello!.....i said 'we' for heaven's sake?!....people don't even hear what i say & just randomly start making accusatory statements!....so i decided that i actually wouldn't go....even though my amamma would get really upset. :(

i know, i know....i'm being silly....but it's REALLY irritating when she does that....especially when we'd just had a fight bout it today morning....i'd just woken up & come out of my room...i wished my mom a good morning...and again, her awesomely smart 'deductions' lead her to believe that i was going to go online & hence i came out of my room...wow!....brilliant logic!....so i thought, "why let her down, why prove her wrong? i'll do exactly wot she thought i would do!"...so i went online....even though, originally, i had planned to make her something to drink & then have a nice 'momsey' chat with her.....

She says that i NEVER spend quality time with her.....& this tirade comes after i spent the WHOLE of last evening AND afternoon with her.....it's not even like i'm ALWAYS out with my friends.....in fact, i decline most invitations only because i LIKE being home when she gets back from work....and cause i don't want her to feel alone....i mean, look at other kids my age....see how much they stay out....now compare that to the amount of time i've been out.....i've had a night out TWICE in my life....i don't go out partying because she doesn't like it.....it's not even like i don't go but sit at home & complain bout it....i've actually conditioned myself to be a 'homebody' for all practical purposes....i'm always home before 8 in the night....i RARELY am out all day....i can never be a part of a 'spur-of-the-moment' plan (cause i need to inform her in advance of my outings)....i have never been to a concert....i hardly even go for friends' birthday parties if i know i'm going to be later than 9 'o' clock.....cause she gets all moody n weepy (even after i've gotten my plans approved from her)....all this because i don't like it when she's alone at home.....


But still, after all this, all i get in return is taunts...it's just not fair....that's why i probably end up doing what i do....i know it's wrong...but if i'm not going to get any credit for what i do....i really see no reason why i should do things that i would prefer not to do.......


And that's my thought process....but in the end, even after all the taunts, i still end up doing the so-called right thing.....or the thing that other people (read: my mom) want me to do.....*sigh*.....i'm just SO spineless, aren't i?......but i cant help it....i love my mom too damn much...i just wish she'd stop saying the mean, hurtful things that she always does, just because she's feeling low....everyone feels low at some point of time or the other....but i don't take it out on her when i'm low.....and she doesn't have the right to hurt me and make me feel worthless when things are not going right for her.....she's old enough & needs to start dealing with things without hurting the people who care bout her....cause in the end, all she's doing is pushing everyone away.....she needs to understand that she CANNOT goad me into doing things...it's been her policy since i was little....to insult and criticize me....to say mean things....she's always saying "i know you're gonna do the wrong thing" in that know-it-all voice of hers....thinking that by doing all this i'm going to be pushed into doing the right things just to prove her wrong....but i'm not built like that....what she does puts me down....breaks my confidence....and mostly irritates me to the point of doing the very things that she doesn't want me to do....

Each person is built differently.....and i'm not the kinda person to prove a point.....i'm the kinda person who needs constant reassurance....and i do things so as to not let other people down when they believe in me.....but what she does just makes me feel like she thinks i'm not capable of doing anything....so in the end, i just end up giving up on the things that i had previously convinced myself to do.....

You need to know how each person responds to situations....you cant treat everyone the same way....and you certainly cannot assume that people will react to things the same way that you do.....that's what i learnt from this.....and that's what seems to be my mom's (possibly only) shortcoming.....