Saturday, August 30, 2014

The 'Middle Path'

I have issues; Not issues (kids), issues (problems)! And they mostly revolve around control. There are times when I just cannot give control up. And that would've been manageable...if only there weren't times that I wanted none!

It's almost like I am two people who are polar opposites.

Now if you ask people around me, they would definitely say that the second me (the one who hates any semblance of control) doesn't exist. I am, after all, known to have major panic attacks when things aren't planned. But the thing they don't understand, is that the panic is the result of the two 'me's giving out conflicting signals.

It's a mess in my head, thanks to these two - one telling me to obsessively hold on to reins of control, the other telling me to let go and walk away. It's like tying together a wandering gypsy (is there any other kind?) and a control freak corporate professional with an unbreakable rope and sending them out into the world.

I'm being pulled in two directions ALL THE TIME!

I've become the middle point in a constant tug-of-war between two equally strong opponents. And because of this I'm living a ridiculously average life - where I'm not a kickass, super-comprehensive, structured plan creator, nor am I a free-falling, super chill, wild child (and I know I'd be awesome either way).

And it's not fear that holds me back. Cause if it was fear, it would've been easy. I would have a direction.

The problem is, unfortunately, that I have an inherent love for order AND chaos. And until (if ever) one wins over the other, I will be in this lost state...on a middle path to nowhere.

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